October 28, 2003
First Up: Liza Minnelli denies that she beat her husband David Gest during an alcoholic rage. "The charges are ridiculous," fumed the Cabaret Idol, "I was stone-cold sober when I hit that hysterical she-male."
Item 2:  Dateline - Salem, Oregon:
Police arrested a gun-toting man on a tricycle after he tried to hi-jack a car. They were able to apprehend the man after promising him a lollipop.
Item 3:  Dateline - The Motor City:
The Democratic Presidential Hopefuls squared off in a debate Sunday. Replacing the Tigers as the nine biggest losers in Detroit.
Item 4:  A Sad Note:
Fred Berry, who played "Rerun" on the seventies sitcom "What's Happening," passed away at the age of 52. Per his wishes, he'll be buried on his grandmother's farm near the Hey, Hey, Hey-Stack.
Item 5:

I've Got Some Bad News And Some Good News:
The Bad News: An Iowa man fell eighty feet into a corn silo. His injuries required hundreds of stitches on his forehead, cheekbones and the back of his neck, and fourteen staples across the top of his head.
The Good News: He gets to be Frankenstein for Halloween.
Item 6: Dateline - Washington, Virginia:
A high school running team is publishing a calendar featuring nude middle-aged men in an effort to raise money for a new track. So far, the only thing the calendar has raised is comments from little boys who point to Mr. July and say, "That's the man, officer."
And Finally:

The Bing Crosby Joke of The Week:
Sitting next to a man on a plane was the most beautiful woman in the world. Eager to start a conversation, the man asked, "Business trip or vacation?" The woman smiled and replied, "Business, the Sex Education Convention in Chicago." He couldn't believe his luck and continued, "What's your role there?" "Lecturer," answered the beauty, "I use my expertise to debunk some sexual myths." "Really?" queried the lucky guy, "And what are those?" "Well," she began, "Native-American men are more well-endowed than African Americans, and French men are not the best lovers, Jewish men are." She went on, "We've also found that the best lover in all categories is the Southern Redneck." Suddenly, the woman became uncomfortable, blushed and said, "I shouldn't really be telling you this, I don't even know your name." "Tonto, Tonto Goldstein," crowed her seat-mate, "But my friends call me Bubba."