November 18, 2003
First Up: Dateline - Sacramento, California:
Arnold Schwarzenegger was sworn in as the 38th Governor of The Golden State. He promised the people that he is going to do things differently. In fact, during the swearing-in ceremony, he raised his right hand and put his left on some broad's ass.
Item 2:  Dateline - Lilburn, Georgia:
A healthy newborn baby girl was found in a cardboard box on a picnic table. She was placed in custody of Child Services. I'm no expert, but I think that's the second box she's come out of in three days.
Item 3:  Dateline - New London, Connecticut:
A police detective was found guilty of forging prescriptions to get 30,000 tablets of pain killers. He was charged with impersonating Rush Limbaugh.
Item 4:  A Sad Note:
The former President of Zimbabwe, Undego Banana, passed away at the age of 67. According to an eyewitness, Banana made a last minute a-peel to his doctor and then just slipped away.
Item 5: According to new research, women are just plain happier than men. The reason? They are more optimistic about the future and, oh yeah, they control half the money and all the vagina.
Item 6: Dateline - Cheyenne, Wyoming:
The State Supreme Court has ruled that an attorney who solicited sex from a client in lieu of payment can still practice law. The court said the charges are nothing new, what lawyer hasn't tried to screw their client?
And Finally:

The Bing Crosby Joke of The Week:
A woman was shopping for a quart of milk, a carton of eggs, juice and a pound of bacon. As she unloaded her items to check out, a drunk customer standing behind her watched. "You must be single," he observed. The woman, a bit startled, but intrigued, looked at her four items on the conveyor belt and said, "Well, you know, you're right. But how on earth did you know that?" "Because you're uglier than shit!"