December 16, 2003
First Up: Saddam Hussein was found in a hole in the ground in Iraq, a country the size of California. Former Governor Gray Davis has already put down a security deposit on the hole.
Item 2:  In a related story, Colin Powell is recovering from prostate surgery. "This is a great day," exclaimed Powell from his hospital bed, "First we got Saddam, then my operation was successful. I got rid of two pains in the ass at once!"
Item 3:  In another related story, the troops that found Saddam were from Southern California. That explains why the first thing they did was give him a make-over. The deposed hole-rat said he didn't want his beard cut off because, "Every year at this time I play Santa at the Baghdad Mall."
Item 4:  The former Iraqi Minister of Defense, Baghdad Bob denies that it was Saddam who was captured. He said the man on the video is an imposter. He claimed it was actually Isaiah from Little House on the Prairie.
Item 5: A Sad Note
William Roth Jr., the US Senator who created the popular Roth Retirement Account, passed away at the age of 82. Services are pending since his family has until April 15th to deposit him into the ground.
Item 6: Dateline - San Francisco
Researchers have located the gene that causes drunkenness in worms. Turns out, it's actually a guy named Gene who works out of a smoky Tijuana bar shoving worms in tequila bottles all day long.
And Finally:

The Bing Crosby Joke of The Week:
A boy asks his father, "Dad, is it o.k. for us guys to notice all the different kind of boobs?" "Of course son," replied the dad, not knowing his wife and daughter were listening to his earnest explanation. "That's what makes us guys. There are three kinds of breasts, depending on a woman's age. In her twenties, they're like melons, round and firm. In her thirties and forties, they're like pears, still nice, but hanging a bit. At fifty and over, they're like onions." "Onions, Dad?" asked the boy. "Yeah," answered the dad, "You see them and they make you want to cry." Not to be outdone, the daughter asks her mother, "How many kinds of penises are there?" "Well," answered the mom, "There are three stages of man and his penis go through: In his twenties, a man's penis is like a mighty oak, strong and hard; in his thirties and forties, it's like a birch tree, flexible, but reliable. At fifty and beyond, it's like a Christmas tree in January." "A Christmas tree in January?" asks the curious daughter. "Yup, dried up, out of juice, out of season and if the balls are still on it, they're just for decoration."