July 15, 2003

First Up:	Former President Gerald Ford celebrated his 90th birthday. He said the secret to his longevity is, "Never look back, or to your right or your left or forward or up or down…"
Item 2:	Dateline - Mountain View, Arkansas: According to new research, the ancient English rock formation Stonehenge is actually shaped like a vagina. Which explains why the caretaker fixes the cracks with Vag-a-Seal.
Item 3:	A man who has been in a coma for almost two decades uttered his first words in nineteen years. His first word was, "Mom" and then, "You bitch, I told you to wake me up early for school."
Item 4:	Question of The Week: When a racehorse has to pee really badly, what does it say? "Man I've got to piss like Carl Lewis!"
Item 5:	A Sad Note: Rod Amateau, the man who produced and directed the sitcom, "My Mother The Car" passed away at the age of 79. In lieu of flowers, his family asks that people forget that he ever produced and direct, "My Mother the Car."
Item 6:	Dateline - Milwaukee, Wisconsin: During a Brewers home game, Pittsburgh Pirate Randall Simon assaulted the Italian Sausage mascot with his bat. The Sheriff's Department issued him a citation, fined him $432 and, he must attend Sausage Sensitivity Training Classes for a year.
And Finally:	The Bing Crosby Joke of the Week: You know, summer always makes me think back to my younger days when times were simpler. I remember lounging around the pool with an all-day sucker. I sure do miss Stacie Plotnik.