| First Up: | According to Time magazine, five in one students are dyslexic. |
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| Item 2: | "Mini-Me" actor Verne Troyer is engaged to marry six-foot two-inch model Genevieve Gallen. He said he plans to save money by standing on top of the wedding cake and serving as ring bearer. |
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| Item 3: | Liza Minelli and David Gest are getting a divorce. She said this will be her last marriage, from now on she'll just grow a beard. |
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| Item 4: | According to The American Journal of Medicine, eating like an ape will lower your cholesterol. The only known side effect is becoming seven times more likely to throw your poop at someone when you're pissed off. |
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| Item 5: | Another study has found that eating fish on a regular basis reduces the risk of Alzheimer's disease. The study took place over a period of fifteen years and monitored the habits of 100 lesbians and an Eskimo. |
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| Item 6: | Ex-Baylor basketball player Carlton Dotson was arrested on suspicion of killing his roommate, Patrick James Dennehy II. He was charged with "murder with intent to harm." As opposed to the lesser charge of "murder, but I was just kidding around." |
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| And Finally: |
The Bing Crosby Joke of the Week: A man goes to his pharmacist and asks for a vial of cyanide. The pharmacist says, "What's it for?" The man says, "I want to kill my wife!" The pharmacist says, "I can't give you cyanide to kill your wife." The man pulls out a picture of her and shows it to him. The pharmacist says, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription." |
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