August 19, 2003
First Up: According to a University of Chicago study, one in seven Americans have never gambled. Coincidentally, one in seven Americans have also never eaten at The Sizzler.
Item 2:  Dateline - Kentucky:
On August 4th, a fire destroyed a Jim Beam liquor factory, causing over a million gallons of bourbon to spill into a river. Boy, poor Liza Minelli is having a bad month.
Item 3:  California Recall Election Update:
Arnold Schwarzenegger movies cannot be shown until after the recall election on October 8th. Kind of makes you wish Mariah Carey were running for Governor.
Item 4:  A Sad Note:
Dr. Louis Lasagna, a leader in the clinical testing of new drugs, passed away at the age of 80. Per his wishes, Dr. Lasagna will not be cremated. Instead, he will be wrapped in foil and baked at 350 degrees until his cheese gets crusty and begins to bubble.
Item 5: Blue Box Toys will introduce a 12-inch action figure of President Bush in the aviator uniform he wore when he landed on the deck of the USS Abraham Lincoln. The doll does come with one warning: After you take it home, it might mysteriously disappear for 18 months.
Item 6: The Federal Government is paying an ad agency $10,000 to come up with a new name for food stamps so people won't be as ashamed to use them. I've come up with a few:

1. Welfare Cheat Sheets

2. Democratic Tickets

3. Poor Bastards
And Finally: The Bing Crosby Joke of The Week:
The Bing Crosby Joke of The Week: A man asked his friend if he wanted to hit the golf course today. The friend said, "I'm sorry but my doctor said I can't play." To which the man replied, "Aaah, so he's played with you before."