August 25, 2003
First Up: According to a new survey, 60 percent of US teachers surveyed are underpaid. The other 40 percent couldn't be reached because their phone had been disconnected.
Item 2:  California Governor's Race Update:
The election is getting ugly: Somebody broke into Larry Flynt's house and slashed the tires on his wheel chair. The only thing that could make it uglier is Janet Reno running…with Lyle Lovett as her campaign manager.
Item 3:  Dateline - Golden, Colorado:
US Energy Secretary Spenser Abraham announced that more than 12 tons of weapons grade plutonium has been removed from Rocky Flats, 12 years ahead of schedule. He said the next step is finding out who took it.
Item 4:  Fun Fact You Should Know:
The name, "Chicago" is derived from an American Indian word meaning, "raw onion." Coincidentally, the word "reservation" translates into "raw deal."
Item 5: In October, the American Government will start its national "Do Not Call" list, prohibiting telemarketers from calling you at home. This will have no impact on singer David Lee Roth, who has been on everybody's "Do Not Call" list since the early eighties.
Item 6:

Flash Back From The Past:
As First reported in the June 2nd, 1998 Zany Report, Max Bear, Jr. was planning to open up a Beverly Hillbillies theme hotel and casino. Well, it's finally gonna happen. Ground will be broken on Jethro's Beverly Hillbillies Mansion and Casino any day now. Some of the attractions will include "Uncle Jed's Gift Shop" and "Ellie May's Bun's Bakery." I've come up with a few others:

"The Washed-up Actor With a Dream Lounge"

"Miss Jane's Look-Like-A Man Hair Salon"

"Ellie May's Watch Me Make Love To a Critter Passion Pit"
And Finally: The Bing Crosby Joke of The Week:
A man had a great job working in a pickle factory. The only problem? He wanted to put his penis in the pickle slicer. He went to a therapist to work out his obsession, and after several months, the therapist advised that even though it would cause great harm, the man should put his penis the pickle slicer. The next day, the man came home early and told his wife about his desire and, that on the advice of his therapist, he finally put his penis in the pickle slicer and got fired. The horrified woman pulled her husband's pants down expecting to find his member torn to shreds. Instead, it was normal and intact. She said, "That's a relief, did anything happen to the pickle slicer?" To which he replied, "I think she got fired too."