September 16, 2003
First Up: Ben Affleck and J-Lo called off their wedding over the weekend. Apparently, they're as bored with each other as we are.
Item 2:  Dateline - New York City:
The first gay public high school is already mired in controversy. The captain of the football team wants to take a girl to the Homecoming Dance.
Item 3:  Dateline - Washington State:
An inmate at a county jail escaped after he sawed his way through a fence using dental floss and toothpaste. Which, by the way, is recommended by four out of five prison dentists. They eventually found the guy holed up in a motel watching reruns of McGuyver.
Item 4: 

I've Got Some Bad News and Some Good News:
The Bad News: A man standing on a manhole cover was propelled 25 feet into the air after an underground gas explosion. He hit live electrical wires, received third degree burns, and then crashed onto the roof of a passing bus, resulting in a fractured hip and arm.
The Good News: He's dead!
Item 5: Dateline - Athens, Georgia:
An employee at a tire dealership was charged with solicitation of prostitution after offering a woman new tires in exchange for sex. That gives a whole new meaning to the phrase "Let's burn some rubber!"
Item 6: Dateline - Caldwell, Ohio:
A 61 year-old woman was arrested for accumulating large amounts of trash. No word on where she got so many copies of the Patriot Act.
And Finally:

The Bing Crosby Joke of The Week:
Cadbury Candy has joined forces with the Merek drug company and developed a new, mint-flavored birth control pill a woman can take immediately before sex. They're calling them "Pre-dick-her-mints."