January 6, 2004
First Up: Why did the chicken cross the road? To get away from The Crocodile Hunter.
Item 2:  Michael Jackson told Ed Bradley of 60 Minutes that since his arrest he hasn't been able to sleep at night. Not because of the arrest, but because the little boys in his bed keep trying to get away. He went on to say, "The cops put my handcuffs on so tight, it turned my skin black."
Item 3: 

Jessica Simpson said she doesn't mind being called America's Blonde Ditz, explaining, "Hey, it worked for Lucille Ball." Which makes me wonder, is she really that stupid or does the carpet not match the drapes?
Item 4: 

Dateline - Anchorage, Alaska
According to wildlife officials, their current problem is that the moose are going through the garbage cans. One eyewitness swore he saw a moose saying to a squirrel, "Hey Rocky, watch me pull a banana peel and a used tampon out of my hat."
Item 5: A Sad Note
Lloyd E. Rigler, the man who made millions selling Adolph's Meat Tenderizer, passed away at the age of 88. Per his wishes, he'll be lightly seasoned, hit with a mallet and cremated.
Item 6: Another Sad Note - A man waiting in line at a McDonald's drive-through window was shot to death. The sad part? He had just ordered a Happy Meal.
And Finally:

The Bing Crosby Joke of The Week:
A man took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats on the fifty-yard line. After the game he asked her, "What did you think?" "I really liked it," she replied, "But, why were they trying to kill themselves for twenty-five cents?" Dumbfounded, the man asked, "What on earth do you mean?" "Well," explained the blond, "I saw them flip a coin and one team caught it. And then for the rest of the game the fans kept screaming, 'Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!'"