January 27, 2004
First Up: Former Senator Bob Dole told Time magazine, "No Super Bowl ads this year, nothing came up." I guess Viagra doesn't work so great after all.
Item 2:  Britney Spears told a reporter that she's not out of control and isn't acting stupid. She then excused herself because she was running late for a "Howard Dean for President" rally.
Item 3: 

And Speaking of Howard Dean… He told Diane Sawyer, "I'm not a perfect person, I have plenty of warts and I wear the wrong suits, but you'll always know who I am." Yeah, a guy who needs a new tailor and a case of Compound W.
Item 4: 

A Sad Note:
Harriet Braiker, an expert on stress management, passed away at the age of 55. According to her family, she managed her stress so well, she became too relaxed and died!
Item 5: Four women settled their lawsuit with a restaurant at which one of them allegedly found a condom in her clam chowder. A restaurant spokesperson said they were not happy with the decision, claiming, "Yeah, like she was really going to swallow the chowder."
Item 6: Dateline: Camp Pendleton, California
A private group donated 15,000 Wham-O Frisbees to be distributed to Iraqi citizens by The Marines. This is the second Wham-O product the Iraqis have received from America, the first of course being George W's Super Balls that came from invading the country in the first place.
And Finally:

The Bing Crosby Joke of The Week:
A Cedar Rapids business owner was confused about paying an invoice minus the early payment discount, so he decided to ask his secretary for some math help. He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Iowa and I need some help. If I gave you $21,375 minus 12.75 percent, how much would you take off? The secretary thought for a moment and said, "Everything but my earrings."