February 3, 2004
First Up: According to a new Scottish study, elderly men who masturbate experience less depression than those who don't. It also found that they are ten times more likely not to be invited back to a family reunion picnic.
Item 2:  Showtime has renewed its lesbian drama series "The L Word" for a second season. To celebrate, Rosie O'Donnell has challenged the cast to a pie eating contest.
Item 3: 

Howard Dean has decided to skip the seven presidential primaries today to focus on future races. He has also unveiled his new campaign slogan, "Dean For President In '04-Get-It!"
Item 4: 

Dateline: Romania
A team of doctors removed a 175-pound tumor from a female patient. No word on how Jimmy Pardo got there in the first place.
Item 5: Dr. Joyce Brothers says crying after sex is perfectly normal. Especially if it was sex with her.
Item 6: Burger King has joined the low-carb craze by introducing the Whopper without the big bun. In a related story, Ben Affleck says he, too, has joined the low-carb craze. He will no longer put his whopper in a big bun.
And Finally:

John O'Reilly won the top prize for "Best Toast" at his local pub with, "Here's to spending the rest of my life in between the legs of me wife." Wanting to share the good news of his victory with his wife, but fearing for his life, he claimed the winning toast was the more humble, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside my wife." The next day the wife runs into one her husband's drinking buddies who asks her how she feels about being the subject of the winning toast. "Aye," she said, "I was a bit surprised when I heard it known' he's only been there twice. The first time he fell asleep, and the second I had to drag him by the ears to make him come!"