February 17, 2004
First Up: Mattel Toys has announced the 43 year relationship between Barbie and Ken is over. A spokesperson gave no official reason for the break-up but confirmed that Ken has moved to Massachusetts to be closer to GI Joe.
Item 2:  According to leading researcher, children influence their parents to spend billions and billions of dollars on products. The number one item? Condoms!
Item 3: 

Forty year-old Susan Shapiro has written a book called "Five Men Who Broke My Heart." It's about the messy relationships she's had in the past. No truth to the rumor it was originally titled "Bitter Old Whore".
Item 4: 

A Sad Note
Copywriter James Jordan, regarded as advertising's greatest sloganeer, passed away at the age of 73. He coined the phrases "Ring around the collar' and "Zest-fully clean." Per his wishes, he'll be buried in a T-shirt that asks, "Got Dirt?"
Item 5: Dateline - Hollywood
Michael Jackson's mom, Katherine, ahs opened a restaurant on Sunset Boulevard. She said it will feature recipes that have nurtured the Jackson clan, including "beaten To A Pulp Roast," "Exposed Breast of Chicken," and "Children's Salad With Undressing."
Item 6: There is talk that Senator John Kerry has sewn up the Democratic Presidential Nomination. Experts say that Senator John Edwards might be his running mate. I've come up with some possible campaign slogans for the duo, including: "The Real Deal With a New Deal Chaser," "Kerry/Edwards: Not Just the Name of a Porn Star," and, "Two Johns Don't Make a Right."
And Finally:

Senator John Kerry, recovering from prostate surgery, was told he couldn't be sexually active for six weeks. Joe Lieberman called to wish him well, Al Sharpton called to offer him prayers, Howard Dean called with a get well message and Bill Clinton called Mrs. Kerry.