March 2, 2004
First Up: Dateline: Orlando, Florida
An 83 year-old man died and lay undiscovered in his backyard for three days. His wife explained, "I thought it was that lawn gnome on vacation."
Item 2:  Dateline: New York
Police caught a driving instructor viewing porno on the headrests of his car. They said they could tell something wasn’t right because his hands were in the ten o’clock/six o’clock position.
Item 3: 

Dateline: South Bend, Indiana
Tickets are on sale for the annual "Mom and Son Dance." Admission includes refreshments, a keepsake photo and a guarantee that the Son half of the couple will never, ever go on a date.

Item 4: 

I’ve Got Some Bad News and Some Good News:
The Bad News: An airport screener at Denver International Airport sent himself through an X-ray machine. The Good News: No cavities!

Item 5: Johnny Cochran told Time magazine that he’s planning on writing an inspirational book for kids this year. It’s tentatively titled, "If You Have A Zit, You Mustn’t Quit."
Item 6: Mel Gibson’s The Passion of The Christ took in over $117 million at the box office opening weekend. Television executives are already planning on capitalizing on the film’s success with similarly-themed reality shows. So far, pilots include, Fear of God Factor, Soul Survivor, and, My Big Fat Obnoxious Crucifixion.
And Finally:

The Bing Crosby Joke of The Week:
The new preacher in a small Texas town was a dead-ringer for George Clooney. One day, he decided to pay a visit to the church members who hadn’t been to services lately. He went to the first lady’s house and knocked on the door. When she answered, she exclaimed, "George Clooney!" "No, Ma’am" he replied, "I’m your new pastor, and I came to pray with you." And the lady invited him in to pray. He visited several more homes, and all the parishioners thought he was George Clooney. Towards the end of his rounds, he came to a widow’s house. She had just finished taking a shower. She wrapped a towel around her and answered the door. When she saw her caller, she threw her hands up in the air, causing her towel to fall to the floor and squealed, "Oh my God, George Clooney!" To which the preacher replied, "Why, yes, I am."