March 9, 2004
First Up: A new study has found that people who eat fish are less hostile than those who don't. The only exception? Rosie O'Donnell.
Item 2:  The Bush Administration said that the military is developing land mines that will self-destruct. The prototype is being referred to as, "The Howard Dean."
Item 3: 

Dateline: Canada
A man accepted a 24-rnonth jail sentence instead of a 20-month jail sentence in exchange for smoking privileges. In A Related Story: Former Cincinnati Reds owner Marge Schott has chosen to spend eternity in hell instead of heaven, so that she, too, can smoke. Yeah, like she really had a choice.
Item 4: 

A Sad Note:
Julius Dixon, the songwriter who wrote the #2 hit song, "Lollipop," passed away at the age of 90. Per his wishes, mourners will take turns licking him until he disappears.
Item 5: Another Sad Note:
An Indiana State Trooper said he discovered a bag of cocaine in the diaper of the son of a drug suspect. He found it while changing the diaper after noticing a "large load." The Sad Part: The large load was in the front of the diaper.
Item 6:

I've Got Some Good News and Some Bad News:
The Good News: A French woman married her boyfriend posthumously, 18 months after he was killed in a car accident.
The Bad News: According to Miss Manners, you are six months late getting them a gift.

And Finally:

The Bing Crosby Joke of The Week:
In 1969, Tennessee Mountain Man Herman James was drafted by the Army. On his first day in Boot Camp, he was issued a toothbrush. That afternoon, an Army dentist yanked out several of his teeth. On the second day, he was issued a comb. That afternoon, an Army barber shaved his head. On the third day, he was issued a jock strap. The Army is still looking for him.