March 30, 2004
First Up: According to a new study from Central Michigan University, having a bad attitude might actually be good for you. Oh, who gives a damn?!
Item 2:  Richard Simmons allegedly slapped a man at Phoenix Sky Harbor Airport for making a sarcastic remark about his "Sweatin’ To The Oldies" video. (And, boy does my cheek still hurt!) the Fatness Guru was charged with "Bitch- Slapping without a vagina."
Item 3: 

Question of The Week - If a depressed and despondent onion farmer barricades himself in his farm with a gun, do police use tear gas to get him out?

Item 4: 

Dateline--Philadelphia, Pennsylvania:
A 72 year-old woman who staged "slip-and-fall" accidents resulting in one and a half million dollars worth of insurance claims, was found guilty of fraud. Ironically, while leaving court, she slipped and fell and is suing the city.

Item 5: Dateline--Germany:
A man was bitten by his Rottweiler while brushing his teeth. He said everything was going fine until he squeezed out the ass-flavored Crest.
Item 6:

According to NASA, sky-watchers will be able to view Mercury, Venus, Mars, Jupiter and Saturn until the end of the month. They also noted that with a curved mirror, you can see your anus any old time.

And Finally:

The Bing Crosby Joke of The Week:
Morty and Saul The Banker are out on the lake when their boat starts sinking. Saul says to Morty, "So listen, Morty, you know I don’t swim so well." Morty thinks back to his Life Guard class of many years ago and begins tugging Saul towards shore. After twenty minutes, he begins to tire. Finally, about fifty feet from shore, Morty asks Saul, "Do you suppose you can float alone?" To which the banker replied, "This is one hell of a time to be asking for money!"