April 6, 2004
First Up: Dateline--New York City:
According to a new study, 47 per cent of high school freshmen are 17 years old. Or, as Jessica Simpson calls them, "Over-achievers."
Item 2:  The Germany Symphony’s violinists want a pay raise because they play more notes than the rest of the orchestra. A spokesperson said, "We’re tired of being strung along." The Triangle player could not be reached for comment.
Item 3: 

Students at the University of Illinois are paying a dollar per person to pop their head through a sculpture of a vagina and have their picture taken. Before the snapshot, instead of saying "Cheese," the photographer tells you to say, "Mommy, I’m back!"

Item 4: 

Paris Hilton told a friend that she has strict moral standards. She said she won’t date a married man if he’s still living with his wife. Other heiress moral standards include no first-date video taping of sex acts and never, ever putting her hand up a cow’s ass until the ink on the network deal is dry.

Item 5: Dateline--Shreveport, Louisiana:
A state website designed to prevent underage gambling has only received 756 hits since December 2002. Officials think the reason for the low numbers may be the site’s name, www.youbigzit-poppingloser.com.
Item 6:

Dateline: Illinois
Prison guards at Joliet won’t allow inmates to read the prison newspaper. The paper is 16 pages long with 15 of those pages devoted to "Man Seeking Bitch" personal ads.

And Finally:

The Bing Crosby Joke of The Week:
A man has just finished making love to a woman all night and notices a picture of another man on her night stand. Freaked out, he asks, "Is that your husband?" "No, silly," she replies and continues to cuddle him. Still nervous, he asks, "Is that your boyfriend?" "Nope" she replies and begins to nibble his ear. Confused, he keeps trying with, "Is that your dad? Your brother?" "No, Sweetie," she answers calmly. Exasperated, he demands, "Well then who is it?" "That’s me before surgery."