April 13, 2004
First Up: According to a new government study, pregnant women are eating too much fish. Of course, that’s not how they got pregnant in the first place.
Item 2:  Dateline--Hot Springs, Arkansas
The boyhood home of former President Bill Clinton burned down. Ironically, the fire started in the garage in an old pair of pants.
Item 3: 

Dateline--Mexico
A pregnant woman gave herself a Caesarean after three glasses of tequila. She plans to name the child, "Worm."
Item 4: 

A Sad Note:
The inventor of the telephone answering machine passed away. Per his wishes, services are pending, but if you leave a brief message after the tone, someone will get back to you shortly.
Item 5: Dateline--Fort Worth, Texas:
A candidate for the State House says he will run despite the recent surfacing of photos of him wearing women’s clothing and earrings. "The photos are innocent," he explained, "I went to a Halloween party as J. Edgar Hoover."
Item 6:

While vacationing in Maui, California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger saved a struggling swimmer’s life. The ungrateful man said, "Thank you, but Last Action Hero still sucked!" Then Arnold grabbed the man’s ass and pulled him to shore.

And Finally:

The Bing Crosby Joke of The Week:
Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to inquire about the causes of death. "Well," said the police officer, "The first body is a 60 year-old Frenchman who died of a heart attack while making love to his mistress. Hence the big smile on his face. The second was a Scotsman, 25," he went on, "Who won a thousand pounds in the lottery and spent it all on whiskey. Hence the smile." The coroner asked, "What about the third body?" "Ah," said the police officer, "This is the most unusual one. Billy-Bob from Mississippi, 30, was struck by lighting." "Why is he smiling?" asked the coroner. "He thought he was having his picture taken."