January 24, 2006
First Up: President Bush has requested $114 million to teach US kids to speak Arabic and Farsi.  I thought that was reason I didn't vote for John Kerry.
Item 2:  The White House has reason to believe that Al Qaeda is weakening.  In a new tape, Osama Bin Laden called for a truce with the US, and announced the name of his new second in command: Ali Ali Oxen Free!
Item 3:  Dateline--Las Vegas, Nevada
Shortly before the Miss America Pageant, Miss Nevada said that her state should store the nation's nuclear waste, declaring, "We should take one for the team."  No truth to the rumor that "taking one for the team" is how she got her crown in the first place.
Item 4:  A Sad Note: 
The body of a 64 year-old man was found on a New York City subway.  The Sad Part?  He had just bought an unlimited ride pass.
Item 5: A mother is suing Applebee's Restaurant for $75,000 after her five year-old son was mistakenly given a Long Island Iced Tea.  She became suspicious when his eyes glazed over and he asked his mom, "What's your sign?"
Item 6: According to a new Swedish study, researchers believe that humans once used their ears for breathing.  Well, that explains why when I dated an anthropologist, she whispered sweet nothings in my ass.
And Finally:

The Bing Crosby Joke of The Week
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go camping and pitch a tent under the stars.  During the night, Holmes wakes his companion and says: "Watson, look up at the stars and tell me what you deduce."  "Well, I see millions of stars." begins Watson, "And, even if a few of those stars have planets, it's quite possible that there are some planets like earth.  And, if there are a few planets like earth out there, there might also be life." "Watson, you idiot." replies Holmes, "Somebody stole our tent."