March 28 2006
First Up:

General Motors executives are offering workers $140,000 to leave the company.  I hear they are offering $200,000 if they leave and take a car with them.
Item 2:  President Bush gave a speech yesterday and said, “America needs to be patient, and eventually Democracy will emerge from the chaos.”  In response a reporter raised his hand and asked, “You’re talking about Iraq, right?”
Item 3: 

Dateline--Gwinnet, Georgia 
The Gladiators hockey team gave away 1,000 bobble-head dolls of Runaway Bride Jennifer Wilbanks before last night’s game.  When asked why they didn’t give away bobble-heads of the players, a spokesperson said, “No one knows who they are.”
Item 4: 

Question of The Week When a mime dies, do mourners ask for a moment of talking?
Item 5: Dateline--Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
Police cordoned off downtown and arrested a man for shooting at pigeons with a pellet gun.  Though it’s legal to carry a pellet gun, it is illegal to use it.  It’s like cigarettes in California.
Item 6: Dateline--Scottsdale, Arizona
The city has approved a liquor license for porn star Jenna Jameson’s strip club.  After a three-month background check, police found no reason to deny her the license.  In fact, one investagor who watched several of her movies said, “She’s very pro lick-her.”
And Finally:

The Bing Crosby Joke of The Week
A wife was cooking some eggs for her husband when suddenly he appears in the kitchen and starts shouting, “Careful! Careful!”  “Put more butter!” He continues even louder with, “Oh my God! You’re cooking too many at once!  Too many! Turn them! Turn them now!  We need more butter!  Oh my God!  Where are we going to get more butter?  They’re going to stick.  Use the salt.  Use the salt!  Careful, careful!” he screams like a lunatic, “You never listen to me when you’re cooking!  Never! Turn them, turn them now!  The wife stares at him.  “What the hell is wrong with you?  You don’t think I know how to fry a couple of eggs?”  The husband replies calmly, “I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving with you.”