April 25, 2006
First Up: A study has found that 40 percent of Americans think that they are too fat.  The other 60 percent responded with, “Are you going to finish that?”
Item 2:  Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes had a bouncing baby girl named Suri.  In Hebrew, the name means “Princess,” in Farsi, it means “Red Rose” and in Japanese, it means “Pickpocket.”  Which coincidentally, will remain Tom’s nickname for Katie until she signs the pre-nup.
Item 3: 

Magician David Blaine plans to spend a week submerged in an aquarium.  It will be the closest anyone has ever been to being a fish.  To practice, he has been swimming around in his bathtub with a long turd hanging from his ass.
Item 4: 

A Sad Note
World famous gambler Walter Clyde Pearson passed away at the age of 77.  His motto was, “I’ll play any man, from any land, and any game that he can name, for any amount that I can count, providing I like it.”  His epitaph will read,”I fold!”
Item 5: Dateline--Atlantic City
An 84 year-old retired waitress hit a ten million dollar casino jackpot.  When asked what she plans to do with the money, she said, “This should cover my co-pay for my new Medi-caid prescription drug program.”
Item 6: Dateline—Massachusetts
The State Supreme Court has ruled that out-of-state gays cannot come to Massachusetts to marry, even though gay marriage is legal in the state.  In a related story, the state has introduced a new slogan, “What’s gay here, stays here.”
And Finally:

The Bing Crosby Joke of The Week
A 70 year-old wealthy widower shows up at the country club with a very sexy, breath-takingly beautiful 25 year-old blonde who knocks everyone’s socks off with her youthful charm.  Not only that, but she hangs all over the old guy and listens intently to his every word.  His buddies at the club are aghast.  They corner him and ask, “How did you get the trophy girlfriend?”  “Girlfriend?” he answers,  “She’s my wife!”  “So, how’d you persuade her to marry you?” they ask.  “I lied about my age,” he answers.  “Did you tell her you were 50?” asks one of his cronies.  “No,” the lucky husband declares, “I told her I was ninety!”