August 29, 2006

First Up:	Astronomers have removed Pluto from the list of planets, saying that it no longer fits their criteria.  However, the huge lump of spinning hot gas has been reclassified as a Star Jones.
Item 2:	A man from Finland won the mobile phone throwing championship with a distance of 292 feet.  He was awarded the gold medal and a congratulatory call from past winner Naomi Campbell.
Item 3:	Dateline—London A controversial new show debuted in The West End recently.  It features a naked woman cuddling a dead pig.  It’s called “25 Years of Marriage,” changed from the play’s working title of “Brittany & Kevin”
Item 4:	Dr. Dean Ornish says the three best ways to beat stress include getting a dog, going to church and making love.  The doctor advises that if you really want to avoid stress, don’t do all three at once.
Item 5:	According to The Gay and Lesbian Alliance, only nine homosexuals are depicted on network TV this season.  Defensive execs were quick to point out that when you factor in shots of Kathy Griffin’s audience, every show on Bravo and commercials starring Ryan Seacrest, the numbers shoot up dramatically.
Item 6:	New York Yankees shortstop Derek Jeter is coming out with his own cologne.  It smells like a mixture of sweat, pine tar and Mariah Carey.  It’s called “My Fingers.”
And Finally:	An old sailor puts on his uniform and heads for the docks to hire a hooker one last time.  Soon he’s convinced he’s going at it pretty good for a man his age and asks, “How am I doing?”  The prostitute replies, “Well old sailor, you’re doing about three knots.”  “Three knots?” he replies, “What’s that supposed to mean?” “You’re not hard, you’re not in, and you’re not getting your money back!”