February 13, 2007
First Up: Its official:  Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock are divorcing.  The good news is, this will allow them to get back together and break up again one thousand times.
Item 2:  Virgin Atlantic Airlines mega-mogul Richard Branson is teaming up with Al Gore.  Gore says the pair is committed to finding the best way to eliminate carbon monoxide from the air.  Hey Al, I have an idea: Stop breathing!
Item 3:  Maytag has announced the recall of 2.3 million dishwashers.  In a related story, the Border Patrol is trying to get Mexico to recall five million dishwashers.
Item 4:  Dateline--Washington, DC
Will Smith told the audience at an entertainment symposium that, "US movies must be protected because they help spread hope around the world."  He than excused himself because he was late for the Jackass #2 DVD launch party.
Item 5: After a well-received appearance on the Grammy's, The Police have decided to go on tour.  They will do updated versions of their classic hits including, "King of Mortgage Payments" and "Every Little Thing She Does is Expensive."
Item 6: Dateline--Wilmington, Delaware
A mother was arrested for child endangerment.  Charges include forcing her son to stand naked in sub-zero temperatures, sleep on a box spring in the basement and use a bucket for a toilet.  Sounds like the Comedy Condo at Wiley's in Dayton.
And Finally:

The Bing Crosby Joke of The Week
A patrolman was making his rounds at a used car lot after hours when he noticed a little old lady sitting in a sedan.  "Ma'am," said the officer, "Are you trying to steal this car?" "Heavens no," she replied, "I bought it this afternoon." "Why are you still here?" asked the officer.  "Because I can't drive," she explained.  "Then why did you buy it?" he asked.  "Because I was told that if I bought a car here I'd get screwed.  I'm just waiting."