| First Up: | A woman had a ninety-three pound cyst removed from her stomach. To put that in perspective, it's equivalent to one Dakota Fanning or two Nicole Ritchie's. |
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| Item 2: | US Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia's daughter was arrested for driving under the influence of alcohol. She insists that she is innocent, and will fight the charges all the way up to her father's office. |
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| Item 3: | John Ratzenberger, Cliff of Cheers fame, will replace Vincent "Big Pussy" Pastore on Dancing with The Stars. "It will be hard to fill in for Big Pussy," said America's favorite pretend mail carrier, "and not just because I'm afraid I'll fall out." |
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| Item 4: |
Fun Fact You Should Know: Dog urine was once used as a hair loss treatment for men. The reason it didn't catch on? It was really hard to get the dog to go on the bald spot. |
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| Item 5: | Harvard University was asked why it took over 300 years to name Drew Gilpin Faust as the institute's first female President. A high-ranking member of the selection committee responded, "Drew's a chick?" |
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| Item 6: | The fifteen year-old girl who gained national attention because she couldn't stop hiccupping for five weeks, finally stopped. Television shows were scrambling to cancel future appearances, but asked her to please call if she starts farting for more than a week. |
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| And Finally: |
The Bing Crosby Joke of The Week |
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