April 3, 2007
First Up: Jessica Simpson told Star Magazine that her "boobs are a good accessory, like a necklace."  Hey, I'm no fashion expert but I think her boobs go great with her ass, Bay-bee!
Item 2:  Dateline--Los Angeles
Ruby the elephant is retiring from the zoo.  Thankfully, she's headed to a sanctuary in Northern California.  Just as soon as she packs her trunks.
Item 3:  Katie "Mrs. Cruise" Holmes has backed out of her role in the next Batman movie, claiming "scheduling conflicts."  Yup, turns out she was scheduled to help Tom pick out some new elevator shoes.
Item 4:  Question of the Week
Are contortionists on an overbooked flight always asked if their travel plans are flexible?
Item 5: Writer/director/actor M. Night Shyamalan is working on a new film called, "The Happening" set for a summer '08 release.  "I want people to be scared after watching this film" said the triple threat who brought us "Lady in The Water."  If that's the case, I guess he'll be in every frame."
Item 6: Dateline:  Santa Monica, California
City officials plan to give squirrels birth control shots in an effort to curb over-population.  The shots cost $10 each.  Hey, I'm no consumer advocate, but wouldn't it be cheaper to just take away their nuts?
And Finally:

The Bing Crosby Joke of The Week
An 87 year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92 year-old husband in bed with another woman.  She was so angry that she pushed him off their twentieth floor balcony, killing him instantly.  During her murder trial, the judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defense.  "Yes, your honor," she answered, "I figured if he could have sex at 92, he could probably fly, too."