July 24, 2007
First Up: President Bush underwent a colonoscopy over the weekend.  The doctor said that everything was going great until he realized he didn’t have an exit strategy.
Item 2:  Dateline--Nevada
Former Hollywood Madame Heidi Fliess has opened a 24-hour Laundromat.  Two names are in the running for the business: “Fluffer and Fold” and “Rinse, Spin, Rinse (Repeat Is Extra)”
Item 3:  Fun Fact You Should Know:  An oyster can take five years to make a pearl. The weird part?  They’re not even union!
Item 4:  Dateline--Little Chute, Wisconsin
A 400-pound sculptor carved a 700- pound block of cheese into a replica of Mt. Rushmore.  World record experts are not impressed.  Seems that it is not uncommon for a 400-pound man to cut that much cheese.
Item 5: I’ve Got Some Bad News and Some Good News
The Bad News:  A UCLA student got a very scary call from a doctor telling her that test results showed she had a variety of STDs. 
The Good News:  Turns out she just had Paris Hilton’s old cell phone number.
Item 6: In A Related Story Paris Hilton has started down her path to redemption.  On her My Space web page, she’s telling fans not to drink and drive.  Other future public service announcements include, “Don’t Drink and Go Purse or Dog Shopping,” “Don’t Drink and Keep Food Away From Nicole Ritchie” and “Don’t Drink and Have Sex in Front of a Guy With A Camera.”
And Finally:

The Bing Crosby Joke of The Week
A man collided with another car after running a red light.  The driver who was hit happened to be a dwarf, who got out of his smashed car and said, “I’m not happy.”  “Well then,” asked the driver, “which one are you?”