July 31, 2007
First Up: Dateline--The Democratic Debates
A You Tube Questioner, cuddling an AR-15 Bushmaster rifle told the candidates, “This is my baby.  How would you protect it?”  Hey, I’m no political scientist, but Democrats are for gun control and abortion, so say bye-bye to your baby, Bay-bee!
Item 2:  Another Questioner, this one dressed like a snowman, asked candidates about Global Warming.  I hear it’s going to be tougher for Republicans:  They’ll be asked the same question, but by a pipe and a carrot floating in puddle of water.
Item 3:  Fun Fact You Should Know Lava adds 32 acres of land to Hawaii every year.  In a related story, J-Lo has lost 32 acres of ass this year by using Lava soap.
Item 4:  Dateline--Abington, Virginia
Children at a day-care center were accidentally sprayed with an herbicide from a train spraying weeds.  None of the children suffered injury, but all of their pot was ruined.
Item 5: Dateline--Providence, Rhode Island
A nursing home’s pet, Oscar The Cat can accurately predict a patient’s imminent death by cuddling up to the dying moments before they pass away.  Staffers say that Oscar’s presence allows the patient to die in comfort and with dignity, unlike the other nursing home pet, Humps The Dog.
And Finally:

The Bing Crosby Joke of The Week
A husband is in his backyard trying to fly a kite.  He throws the kite in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds before it crashes down to earth.  He tries this a few more times with the same results.  The whole time, his wife is watching from the kitchen window.  After the fifth failed attempt, she yells, “You need a piece of tail!”  The husband turns to her, and with a confused look says, “Make up your mind!  Last night you told me to go fly a kite.”