November 27, 2007
First Up: A new study has found that 28 percent of Americans have a fear of becoming homeless.  The other 72 percent said, "Hey brother, can you spare a home equity line of credit?"
Item 2:  Lance Armstrong is denying rumors that he's dating Ashley Olsen.  "The last thing I'd ever want to do, "insisted the Tour de France winner, "is separate another pair of twins."
Item 3:  Neil Diamond has finally revealed that the mystery girl who inspired his hit song, "Sweet Caroline" was in fact First Daughter Caroline Kennedy.  Less surprising was the admission that "Love on The Rocks" was an anthem for her Uncle Ted.
Item 4:  Fun Fact You Should Know
The first telephone answering machine was three feet tall.  It was a dwarf in a box with a scratch pad and a pen.
Item 5: Dateline--Johannesburg, South Africa
Police arrested a man who allegedly stole a cow and two goats and shoved them into his compact car.  Authorities almost let him go after the man insisted he was just the driver for a Dixie Chicks cover band.
Item 6: A federal mandate by the Department of Prisons says that guards are only allowed to taser unruly prisoners who are US citizens. Officials are afraid that tasering illegal aliens might cause them to drop their "Welcome to America!" gift bag provided by the Bush Administration.
And Finally:

The Bing Crosby Joke of The Week
Three men die on Christmas Eve and are met by Saint Peter at The Pearly Gates.  "In honor of the Holy Season," explains Saint Peter, "You must each have something that symbolizes Christmas if you want to get into heaven."  The first man fumbles through his pockets and pulls out a lighter. He flicks it on and says, "It represents a candle."  "Very good," says St. Peter, "You may pass." The second man reaches into his pockets and pulls out a pair of keys.  He shakes them and says, "They're bells." "Go right on through, "instructs St. Peter.  The third man is searching desperately through his pockets.  Finally, he pulls out a pair of panties.  St. Peter looks at the man and just has to ask, "How do those relate to Christmas?" "They're Carol's!"