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Congressman Dennis Kucinich formally announced his withdrawal from the
presidential race. He gave a quick farewell speech to his supporter, then
hopped aboard a UFO and zipped away over Texas. |
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Item 2: |
The feud between former President Clinton and Barack Obama has gotten so bad
that the Senator has reissued his best-selling book with a new title: "The
Audacity of The Man From Hope." |
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Item 3: |
A new poll has found that eighty-nine percent of people believe that Hillary
Clinton will be the Democratic Nominee for president, and sixty-eight percent
believe that John McCain will be the Republican nominee. A whopping ninety-nine
percent of Chinese people believe both will be nominated by their respective
parties, because after all, it is the "Year of The Rat." |
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Item 4: |
Fun Fact You Should Know
The world's oldest clam, estimated to be 405 years old, was found off the coast
of Iceland. The world's second oldest clam, Joan Rivers' vagina, could not be
reached for comment. |
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Item 5: |
The Defense has rested its case in the Wesley Snipes tax evasion trial. His
lawyers contend the actor did nothing wrong. In fact, he was just doing research
for his upcoming film, "White Men Can't Add!" |
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Item 6: |
A Martial Arts expert in England is teaching the elderly how to defend
themselves from attackers using their walking sticks and canes. For those who
don't carry these potential weapons, he suggests they look the thug in the eye,
take a deep breath and say, "This reminds me of a story…" |
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And Finally: |
The Bing Crosby Joke of The Week
A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face lift. He told her
about a new procedure called "The Knob." "We put a knob on top of your head and
whenever you feel a little saggy," explained the doctor, "you just give it a
little twist and you tighten right up!" She used the knob for fifteen years and
was thrilled with the results, except for two things that still annoyed her.
She decided to talk to her doctor about the problems. " First, I have these
bags under my eyes that won't go away." The doctor took a closer look and
declared, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts." "Well then," replied the
patient, "I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee." |
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