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I went to the movies yesterday and the guy in front of me said, "I want two
tickets to 'Definitely Maybe,'" and the clerk answered, "Are you sure?" |
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Item 2: |
A new study has found that men who stare at women's breasts for ten minutes a
day are getting the equivalent of 30 minutes of exercise. Yesterday I worked
out for five hours, bay-bee! |
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Item 3: |
Sunday's debut of "Oprah's Big Give" was the highest rated program of the
night. When asked why she was doing so much charity work lately, Ms. Winfrey
replied, "It's just my way of apologizing for Dr. Phil!" |
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Item 4: |
Dateline-California
According to a study, illegal immigrants are less likely to commit crimes than
legal residents. Upon hearing the news, President Bush promised to start
deporting US citizens so that legal aliens can feel safer. |
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Item 5: |
Question of The Week
If "No Means No," does "No, No, No Means No" mean you've been turned down by Amy
Winehouse?" |
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Item 6: |
Political strategist David Alexrod says it's tough for Hillary Clinton when she
campaigns with Bill because, "It's hard to shine when you stand next to the
sun." The polar opposite of George W. Bush and his dad: That's a total eclipse! |
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Item 7: |
A 31 year-old woman was found guilty of involuntary manslaughter in the death of
a 76 year-old man after a fight over a parking spot. Before sentencing, the
judge asked if the woman had anything to say for herself, and she replied, "Your
honor, not only was it a great spot, there was time left on the meter." |
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And Finally: |
The Bing Crosby Joke of The Week
A door-to-door salesman shows up at a house and rings the bell. A ten-year-old
boy answers. The house is dimly lit and soft music is playing in the
background. He's wearing a smoking jacket, holding a pipe and sipping a
martini. The salesman asks, "Are your parents home?" "What do you think?" |
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