July 29, 2008
First Up: Madame Tussauds' famous Wax Museum just unveiled a likeness of Amy Winehouse.  Fans say the wax figure is good, but would have been more life-like if she was plastered.
Item 2:  Lynwood, Illinois has passed a law banning saggy pants.  Anyone showing more than three inches of their butt-cracks will be fined.  Experts fear that the new law might cripple the plumbing industry.
Item 3:  Dateline--Reno, Nevada
A McDonald's franchise was fined one million dollars after pleading guilty to giving false Social Security numbers to illegal aliens.  Authorities became suspicious after The Hamburglar kept pressing 2 for Spanish.  Members of the Minute Men were overheard saying, "I'm lovin' it!"
Item 4:  Dateline--Mexico City
The Mexican Navy has seized a drug lord's submarine that was being used to transport cocaine.  According to officials, this will not affect their operations, since they still have a bigger Navy than Canada.
Item 5: Dateline-Massachusetts
A woman shot herself to death after faxing her home loan company to inform them that she would be dead before they could foreclose on her home.  In the industry they refer to this as a reverse reverse mortgage.
And Finally:

The Bing Crosby Joke of The Week
A man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says, "Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."   "I think," replied his wife, "you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot."  "I think," answered the man, "you'll find that I wasn't talking to you."