Bob Zany Merchandise

2008 Winners!	Fixed Joke





2007 Winners!	Fixed Joke
	More winners will be listed when we updated all our missing Zany Reports. Check back soon!

Aaron Hetchler Flint, Michigan Report: 8/14/07	Original: Dateline--Oakland, California A carpenter was arrested after the person who hired him came home early and found him building bookcases in the nude. Yikes. I’ve always worried hitting my thumb with a hammer. Fixed: The carpenter defended him self by claiming that it was the easiest way to get the distance between bookshelves correct.
Shery Armstrong Billings, Montana Report: 8/07/07	Original: A man from Finland won the mobile phone throwing championship with a distance of 292 feet. He was awarded the Gold Medal and a congratulatory call from past winner Naomi Campbell. Fixed: He was awarded the Gold Medal but had to pawn it to pay the roaming charges.
Tim Lillesand Sheboygan, Wisconsin Report: 7/31/07	Original: A Sad Note An Australian woman who lost her husband in a deadly car accident had him cremated and injected his ashes into her breast implants. The Sad Part? He was an ass man. Fixed: The Sad Part? Her new boyfriend can’t keep his hands off her ex.
Tom Holquist Powell, Ohio Report: 7/24/07	Original: A new study has found that women who have high estrogen levels are at high risk for stroke. The study also suggests that women with lower levels of estrogen want to work on your engine and watch the game with you. Fixed: The study also suggests that the husbands of the women with lower levels of estrogen have a higher need to stroke!
Scott Henderson Mishawaka, Indiana Report: 7/10/07	Original: Rumors persist that Nicole Ritchie is pregnant, after she was spotted at a posh LA restaurant, not eating for two. Fixed: Turns out she’s not really pregnant, she simply swallowed the olive in her martini.
Tim Tinnin Holts Summit, Missouri Report: 7/03/07	Original: Fun Fact You Should Know The longest recorded flight of a chicken is 13 seconds. Of course, you have to kick it just right. Fixed: In a related story, Rosie O’Donnell claims the same time for eating a chicken.
Alex Schoop Bloomington, Illinois Report: 6/26/07	Original: Seinfeld actor Michael Richards had a meltdown while doing stand-up at the Laugh Factory, yelling racial slurs at audience members. He claims he was just doing research for his new sitcom, “The New Adventures of Old Kramer.” Fixed: He claims he was doing research for his new sitcom, “The Amazing Racist.”
Jason Barrett Hardin, Kentucky Report: 6/19/07	Original: Thirty-nine percent of horror fans say they want to see Paris Hilton as a horror victim. The other 61 percent are content with her as a whore, in a movie. Fixed: The other 61 percent realize that any movie with Paris Hilton in it is a horror and that they are victims.
Mike Brenner Beavercreek, Ohio Report: 6/12/07	Original: Dateline--Oakland, California A carpenter was arrested after the person who hired him came home early and found the guy building bookcases in the nude. Yikes. And I’ve always been worried about hitting my thumb with a hammer. Fixed: In his defense the man claimed he was almost finished buffing his wood before applying the stain.
Chris Long Louisville, Kentucky Report: 6/05/07	Original: It’s National Newspaper Week, and to celebrate, my wife pushed me out of the car towards the neighbor’s driveway, and missed. Fixed: To celebrate, I inserted a wet mushy wadded up one-dollar bill into a well-placed, dry, “Tip Your Carrier” envelope and threw it on the newspaper boy’s lawn.
Lewis Shilane Joplin, Missouri Report: 5/29/07	Original: Dateline: Cheshire, Oregon A woman is in jail for shooting her husband after he shot their pet chicken. When asked why he shot the chicken he replied, “Because she wouldn’t let me choke it anymore.” Fixed: “So the bullet would get to the other side.”
Phillip Bozich St. Louis, Missouri Report: 5/22/07	Original: Students at the University of Illinois are paying a dollar per person to pop their head through a sculpture of a vagina and have their picture taken. Before the snapshot, instead of saying “Cheese,” the photographer tells you to say, “Mommy, I’m back!” Fixed: A similar fund-raising effort has been cancelled at Ball State.
Justin Smith Inwood, Iowa Report: 5/08/07	Original: After tense competition, the winner of The National Spelling Bee was Sai Gunturi. The winning word, “Homogeekyness.” Fixed: The winning word, Sai Gunturi.
Jim Wallace Fresno, California Report: 5/01/07	Original: Dateline—Virginia: A high school running team is publishing a calendar featuring nude middle aged men in an effort to raise money for a new track. So far, the only thing it has raised is a little boy who pointed to Mr. July and said, “That’s the man, officer.” Fixed: Sales are slow and they’re thinking of changing the name of the calendar from “Old Man Crack For A New Running Track.”
2006 Winners!	Fixed Joke
Les Fugate Louisville, Kentucky Report: 11/28/06	Original: A Sad Note A South Dakota farmer suffocated while trapped in a corn crib he was loading. The sad part? He was up to his ears. Fixed: Aw Shucks!
Paul Knepp, Jr. Loveland, Ohio Report: 11/21/06	Original: Law enforcement officials have introduced a new non-lethal weapon to fight crime. It’s called, “The Goo-Shooter.” Some officers find the name misleading, and are hoping to change the name to, “The Happy Ending.” Fixed: Some officers are complaining it’s going off prematurely.
Keith E. Crisman Ozark, Missouri Report: 11/14/06	Original: Dateline—China Doctors have reconstructed a man’s penis using muscles and skin from his stomach. So far, the only complication is premature acid reflux. Fixed: On the upside, his wife has stopped complaining about his beer belly.
Mark Colbert Atwater, California Report: 11/07/06	An original joke: “With all the sadness and trauma in the world at the moment, it’s worth reflecting on the death of a very important person last week: Larry Laprise, the man who wrote the song, “The Hokey Pokey.” He was 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin: they put his right leg in, and that’s when all the trouble began.”
Scott Jeffery Ames, Iowa Report: 10/31/06	Original: A Sad Note Robert Brooks, the founder of Hooters Restaurant, passed away at age 69. (Insert your own joke here) Funeral arrangements are pending, but a spokesperson promises that as plans develop, the family will keep the public abreast. Or two. Fixed: Per his request, his body will be cremated and buried in two big jugs.
Steve Alder Monona, Wisconsin Report: 10/24/06	Original: Dateline--Warminster, Pennsylvania A man who bought a house sight-unseen found three years of mail and a dead body on the living room floor. Turns out most the mail was rejection letters from AT&T. Fixed: Ironically, most of the mail were get well cards.
Stuart Gettis Centerburg, Ohio Report: 10/17/06	Original: (From my act on the Comedy Central special) Airport Security is so much more thorough; a guy at LAX said, “I’ve got some good news and some bad news: The good news is, you’re getting on the flight. The bad news is, you have an enlarged prostate. Fixed: The bad news is, you see that drunk guy? He’s the pilot.
Brian Wright Waterloo, Illinois Report: 10/10/06	Original: Friends and associates of Congressman Mark Foley claim that they suspected he had a problem because his favorite drinks included Mar-Gay-Ritas, Sex On A Page and Gin and Teenic. Fixed: Because he never used book marks; he preferred dog ears since he liked his pages bent over!”
Bill Smith Nitro, West Virginia Report: 10/03/06	Original: According to a new study out of Central Michigan University, having a bad attitude might actually be good for you. Oh, who gives a crap?!? Fixed: Oh great, 50 more years of Gallagher!
Laurel Hunter Rio Rancho, NM Report: 9/27/06	Original: The making of sperm can lower your life span. Talk about taking your life in your own hands! Fixed: I wonder how many jerks it took to come up with that statistic?
Christopher Lowery Colorado Springs, CO Report: 9/19/06	Original: Dateline--Coney Island, New York Takeru Kobayashi has regained his title of World’s Fastest Hot Dog Eater, after gulping down 53 2/3 hot dogs in 12 minutes. Fifty-three 2/3 hot dogs equals about 17,000 calories, or as Wynonna Judd calls it, “A light snack.” Fixed: Or, as Ryan Seacrest calls it, “Heaven.”
Greg Rogalski Winneconne, Wisconsin Report: 9/12/06	Original: Dateline--Sweden A brewery is developing a beer targeted to gay people. Ironically, it will only come in a can. Fixed: Ironically, you can only buy it with a three-dollar bill.
Rick Noe Loveland, Ohio Report: 9/5/06	Original: Jenna Jameson has become the first adult film star to be immortalized in Madame Tussards wax Museum. That sure gives a whole new meaning to, “Wax on, Wax off.” Fixed: It’s now called House of Wood.
Mike Dimmitt Lafayette, Indiana Report: 8/29/06	Original: Forty percent of American men aged 18 to 55 admit to using Friend’s character Joey’s pick up line, “How you doin’?” Top pick up line among seniors is “What’s your sleep number?” Fixed: How you pooin’?
Dennis Mackey Bend, OR Report: 8/22/06	Original: Dateline--Muscatine, Iowa A Wal-Mart greeter was fired for showing customers a photo of himself wearing a plastic bag over his crotch, giving a whole new meaning to “double-bagging” it. Fixed: Store officials became suspicious when he was overheard asking customers, “Wood or Plastic?”
Jim Langel Cedar Falls, Iowa Report: 8/15/06	Original: Fun Fact You Should Know: Ants never sleep. So when you kill them, I guess you are doing them a favor. Fixed: That is why your uncle is so nervous.
Anthony Prows Red Bluff, California Report: 8/08/06	Original: Fun Fact You Should Know: Forty percent of American men between the ages of 18 and 45 admit to using “Friends” character Joey’s pick-up line, “How you doin’?” in an attempt to score with the ladies. Top pick up line for seniors? “What’s your sleep number.” Fixed: “Is that a tube of Poli-dent, or are you just glad to see me?”
Charles Boyd Smyrna, Tennessee Report: 7/11/06	Original: Fun Fact You Should Know: According to a new survey, the busiest job in America is 911 operator. The least? Ticket-taker at a Ben Affleck Film Festival. Fixed: The least? Chick McGee’s Personal Trainer.
Jon Jones Anderson, Indiana Report: 7/06/06	Original: Dateline: Long Island, New York Two women were arrested for selling sex out of their hot dog stand. Police became suspicious because the condiment bar had mustard, relish and K-Y Jelly. Fixed: Police became suspicious when the foot-long cost less than the Value Meal.
Dr. Andy Wagner Edmond, OK Report: 6/27/06	Original: Elton John married his long time lover, David Furnish. If you want to get the happy couple a gift, they are registered at K-Y-Mart, Adult Toys R Us, and Walgreens. Fixed: They are registered at K-Y-Mart, Adult Toys R Us, and Dick’s Sporting Goods.
Rodney Dick Bellevue, Washington Report: 6/20/06	Original: A new study has found that the average person lies about once a day. Women lie about their age and weight while men lie about their wives not having big fat asses. Fixed: “Men lie on the couch with a remote and a beer.”
Danny Cannon Marion, Iowa Report: 6/14/06	Original: A Sad Note Michael Jackson was rushed to the hospital with flu-like symptoms. The Sad Part? He was treated in the pediatric ward. Fixed: The Sad Part? He was treated.
Kyle Smith Westerville, Ohio Report: 6/6/06	Original: Question of The Week: When a mime dies, do you give it a moment of talking?” Fixed: There was a mime funeral yesterday. It was the first time in recorded history that people were happy to see a mime trapped in a box!
Mike Jones Grand Island, Nebraska Report: 5/30/06	Original: Fun Fact You Should Know: Forty percent of American men between the ages of 18 and 35 admit to using the Joey (from Friends) pick up line, “How you doin’?” while the top pick-up line for seniors remains, “What’s your sleep number?” Fixed: “Want to ride my Rascal?”
Luke Lundy Cape Coral, Florida Report: 5/23/06	Original: Dateline: Germany According to zoo officials, male penguins are engaging in homosexual behavior. They plan to introduce them to female penguins to see if they are gay, or just think that they are in zoo prison. Fixed: The conclusion was reached after they saw signs to “Broke-Back Glacier."
Jason McDowell Chippewa Falls, WI Report: 5/16/06	Original: Dateline--Minneapolis, Minnesota: A homeless man posed as a high school student for three weeks without being discovered. School officials finally became suspicious when he refused to go on a field trip without his shopping cart. Fixed: School officials finally became suspicious when he began drinking heavily during the Vietnam discussion in history class.
Eric Behnke Elkton, Maryland Report: 5/09/06	Original: Dateline—Hawaii Golf legend Arnold Palmer married his fiancée over the weekend. He said, “I feel like I’m 25 again.” The 75-year-old went on to say, “I hope I get a hole-in-one tonight.” Fixed: “I hope she’s not disappointed when she finds out all I have is a 4 wood.”
Diane McDonald Cross Lanes, West Virginia Report: 5/02/06	Original: Fun Fact You Should Know Forty percent of American men between the ages of 18 and 35 admit to using the “Joey-From-Friends” pick-up line, “How you doin’?” While the top pick up line for seniors is, “What’s you sleep number?” Fixed: “Do you have acute angina?”
JR Campos Kennewick, Washington (From the KXRX 97 Rock Joke-Off)	Original: Fun Fact You Should Know Ants never sleep. So when you kill them, you are actually doing them a favor. Fixed: I guess they never heard any of Bob Zany’s jokes.
Jared Quilan Kennewick, Washington (From the 4/25 Bob & Tom Show)	Original: Dateline: Long Island, New York Two women were arrested for selling sex out of their hot dog stand. Police became suspicious because the condiment bar contained mustard, relish and K-Y Jelly Fixed: People became upset because they discovered crabs on their wieners.
Tom Griffin Coahoma, Texas Report: 4/18/06	Original: A head-trauma victim was found wandering around in a snow bank, suffering from amnesia. The man said his name was “Tee.” The only other thing he remembered was lying on the ground with a golf ball on his head. Fixed: When he was asked his age, the man kept screaming, “Fore! Fore!”
Ben Scarff Anamosa, Iowa Report: 4/11/06	Original: Dateline--Long Island, New Jersey Two women were arrested for selling sex out of their hot dog stand. Police became suspicious because the condiment bar featured mustard, relish and K-Y Jelly. Fixed: Police became suspicious because they were selling buns, but you had to provide your own wiener.
Daaron Dwyer Longview, TX Report: 4/4/06	Original: Dateline--Athens, Georgia A woman claims she was poked by a hypodermic needle taped to a seat when she sat down at a movie theater. According to the manager, she’s not the first person to be poked in the seat since they started showing “Brokeback Mountain.” Fixed: She told officers that she felt a little prick, but Chick had an air-tight alibi.”
Daryl Norris Clayton , North Carolina Report: 3/28/06	Original: Dateline--Santa Barbara, California A woman saved a choking gas station attendant’s life. She used the Heimlich Maneuver to dislodge a wad of cash he had just received for a tank of gas. Fixed: Unfortunately, the vomit she pumped out cost her $3.85 a gallon.
Elmer Jerald Clark Naples, Florida Report: 3/21/06	Original: A Sad Note Michael Jackson was rushed to the hospital with back pain. The sad part ? He was treated in the pediatric ward. Fixed: The doctor said he couldn’t lift anything over 12 years old.
Darlene Wentling Indianapolis, Indiana Report: 3/14/06	Original: David Copperfield announced that he will impregnate a woman on stage without even touching her. Good luck trying to find a volunteer from the audience! Actually, the magician admits that the real trick is trying to find a musician to hold a drum roll for nine months. Fixed: Imagine everyone’s surprise when the doctor pulled out a rabbit nine months later.
Bill Waller Fresno, California Report: 3/7/06	Original: Dateline--Long Island, New York Two women were arrested after they were caught selling sex out of their hot dog stand. Police became suspicious because the condiment bar contained mustard, relish and K-Y jelly. Fixed: Police became suspicious because the hot dog wasn’t the only thing burning with blisters.
Jessica Baker Springfield, Missouri Report: 2/28/06	Original: Dateline--Portland, Oregon Doctors successfully transplanted a kidney from a 76 year-old woman to her 56 year-old son. Hospital officials said the man is doing fine. In fact, he feels twenty years older. Fixed: But now he nags himself to visit more often.
Joe Pavletich Albuquerque, New Mexico Report: 2/21/06	Original: A Sad Note: An Australian woman lost her husband in a car accident, had him cremated, and then injected his ashes into her breast implants. The Sad Part? He was an ass man. Fixed: “The minister presiding over the ceremony intoned, “Ashes to ashes, bust to bust.”