Bob Zany Merchandise

Winner Archive's: 2008, 2007, 2006

2006 Winners!	Fixed Joke

Tim Olejniczak Green Bay, Wisconsin Report: 12/09/06	Original: Last week, Major League Baseball team owners agreed to a strict new ban on steroid use. They also agreed to move the outfield fence to 200 feet away from the home plate. Fixed: The players union would have objected, but nobody had the balls.
Chris Mike Jerseyville, Illinois Report 12/12/06	Original: A Happy Note Jerry Mathers, AKA “The Beaver” will be celebrating his 50th birthday at his alma mater, Notre Dame High School in Sherman Oaks, California. Invited guests include Steven Spielberg, Cher, Ron Howard, George Foreman, Ted Turner and Lumpy. Of course there is a big difference between invited guests and the ones that will actually show up. That more accurate list includes his lawyer, the school’s janitor, and Lumpy. Fixed: What can I say, it’s hard to find people interested in a fifty year-old beaver!
Lincoln Fox Toledo, Ohio Report 12/05/06	Original: Sponge Bob Square Pants denies rumors that he is gay. In fact, he claims that he really enjoys his part-time job as a woman’s birth control device. Fixed: He went on to boast that he has a move that he has a move that drives women wild. It’s called, “Sponge-y Style.”
Les Fugate Louisville, Kentucky Report: 11/28/06	Original: A Sad Note A South Dakota farmer suffocated while trapped in a corn crib he was loading. The sad part? He was up to his ears. Fixed: Aw Shucks!
Paul Knepp, Jr. Loveland, Ohio Report: 11/21/06	Original: Law enforcement officials have introduced a new non-lethal weapon to fight crime. It’s called, “The Goo-Shooter.” Some officers find the name misleading, and are hoping to change the name to, “The Happy Ending.” Fixed: Some officers are complaining it’s going off prematurely.
Keith E. Crisman Ozark, Missouri Report: 11/14/06	Original: Dateline—China Doctors have reconstructed a man’s penis using muscles and skin from his stomach. So far, the only complication is premature acid reflux. Fixed: On the upside, his wife has stopped complaining about his beer belly.
Mark Colbert Atwater, California Report: 11/07/06	An original joke: “With all the sadness and trauma in the world at the moment, it’s worth reflecting on the death of a very important person last week: Larry Laprise, the man who wrote the song, “The Hokey Pokey.” He was 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin: they put his right leg in, and that’s when all the trouble began.”
Scott Jeffery Ames, Iowa Report: 10/31/06	Original: A Sad Note Robert Brooks, the founder of Hooters Restaurant, passed away at age 69. (Insert your own joke here) Funeral arrangements are pending, but a spokesperson promises that as plans develop, the family will keep the public abreast. Or two. Fixed: Per his request, his body will be cremated and buried in two big jugs.
Steve Alder Monona, Wisconsin Report: 10/24/06	Original: Dateline--Warminster, Pennsylvania A man who bought a house sight-unseen found three years of mail and a dead body on the living room floor. Turns out most the mail was rejection letters from AT&T. Fixed: Ironically, most of the mail were get well cards.
Stuart Gettis Centerburg, Ohio Report: 10/17/06	Original: (From my act on the Comedy Central special) Airport Security is so much more thorough; a guy at LAX said, “I’ve got some good news and some bad news: The good news is, you’re getting on the flight. The bad news is, you have an enlarged prostate. Fixed: The bad news is, you see that drunk guy? He’s the pilot.
Brian Wright Waterloo, Illinois Report: 10/10/06	Original: Friends and associates of Congressman Mark Foley claim that they suspected he had a problem because his favorite drinks included Mar-Gay-Ritas, Sex On A Page and Gin and Teenic. Fixed: Because he never used book marks; he preferred dog ears since he liked his pages bent over!”
Bill Smith Nitro, West Virginia Report: 10/03/06	Original: According to a new study out of Central Michigan University, having a bad attitude might actually be good for you. Oh, who gives a crap?!? Fixed: Oh great, 50 more years of Gallagher!
Laurel Hunter Rio Rancho, NM Report: 9/27/06	Original: The making of sperm can lower your life span. Talk about taking your life in your own hands! Fixed: I wonder how many jerks it took to come up with that statistic?
Christopher Lowery Colorado Springs, CO Report: 9/19/06	Original: Dateline--Coney Island, New York Takeru Kobayashi has regained his title of World’s Fastest Hot Dog Eater, after gulping down 53 2/3 hot dogs in 12 minutes. Fifty-three 2/3 hot dogs equals about 17,000 calories, or as Wynonna Judd calls it, “A light snack.” Fixed: Or, as Ryan Seacrest calls it, “Heaven.”
Greg Rogalski Winneconne, Wisconsin Report: 9/12/06	Original: Dateline--Sweden A brewery is developing a beer targeted to gay people. Ironically, it will only come in a can. Fixed: Ironically, you can only buy it with a three-dollar bill.
Rick Noe Loveland, Ohio Report: 9/5/06	Original: Jenna Jameson has become the first adult film star to be immortalized in Madame Tussards wax Museum. That sure gives a whole new meaning to, “Wax on, Wax off.” Fixed: It’s now called House of Wood.
Mike Dimmitt Lafayette, Indiana Report: 8/29/06	Original: Forty percent of American men aged 18 to 55 admit to using Friend’s character Joey’s pick up line, “How you doin’?” Top pick up line among seniors is “What’s your sleep number?” Fixed: How you pooin’?
Dennis Mackey Bend, OR Report: 8/22/06	Original: Dateline--Muscatine, Iowa A Wal-Mart greeter was fired for showing customers a photo of himself wearing a plastic bag over his crotch, giving a whole new meaning to “double-bagging” it. Fixed: Store officials became suspicious when he was overheard asking customers, “Wood or Plastic?”
Jim Langel Cedar Falls, Iowa Report: 8/15/06	Original: Fun Fact You Should Know: Ants never sleep. So when you kill them, I guess you are doing them a favor. Fixed: That is why your uncle is so nervous.
Anthony Prows Red Bluff, California Report: 8/08/06	Original: Fun Fact You Should Know: Forty percent of American men between the ages of 18 and 45 admit to using “Friends” character Joey’s pick-up line, “How you doin’?” in an attempt to score with the ladies. Top pick up line for seniors? “What’s your sleep number.” Fixed: “Is that a tube of Poli-dent, or are you just glad to see me?”
Charles Boyd Smyrna, Tennessee Report: 7/11/06	Original: Fun Fact You Should Know: According to a new survey, the busiest job in America is 911 operator. The least? Ticket-taker at a Ben Affleck Film Festival. Fixed: The least? Chick McGee’s Personal Trainer.
Jon Jones Anderson, Indiana Report: 7/06/06	Original: Dateline: Long Island, New York Two women were arrested for selling sex out of their hot dog stand. Police became suspicious because the condiment bar had mustard, relish and K-Y Jelly. Fixed: Police became suspicious when the foot-long cost less than the Value Meal.
Dr. Andy Wagner Edmond, OK Report: 6/27/06	Original: Elton John married his long time lover, David Furnish. If you want to get the happy couple a gift, they are registered at K-Y-Mart, Adult Toys R Us, and Walgreens. Fixed: They are registered at K-Y-Mart, Adult Toys R Us, and Dick’s Sporting Goods.
Rodney Dick Bellevue, Washington Report: 6/20/06	Original: A new study has found that the average person lies about once a day. Women lie about their age and weight while men lie about their wives not having big fat asses. Fixed: “Men lie on the couch with a remote and a beer.”
Danny Cannon Marion, Iowa Report: 6/14/06	Original: A Sad Note Michael Jackson was rushed to the hospital with flu-like symptoms. The Sad Part? He was treated in the pediatric ward. Fixed: The Sad Part? He was treated.
Kyle Smith Westerville, Ohio Report: 6/6/06	Original: Question of The Week: When a mime dies, do you give it a moment of talking?” Fixed: There was a mime funeral yesterday. It was the first time in recorded history that people were happy to see a mime trapped in a box!
Mike Jones Grand Island, Nebraska Report: 5/30/06	Original: Fun Fact You Should Know: Forty percent of American men between the ages of 18 and 35 admit to using the Joey (from Friends) pick up line, “How you doin’?” while the top pick-up line for seniors remains, “What’s your sleep number?” Fixed: “Want to ride my Rascal?”
Luke Lundy Cape Coral, Florida Report: 5/23/06	Original: Dateline - Germany According to zoo officials, male penguins are engaging in homosexual behavior. They plan to introduce them to female penguins to see if they are gay, or just think that they are in zoo prison. Fixed: The conclusion was reached after they saw signs to “Broke-Back Glacier."
Jason McDowell Chippewa Falls, WI Report: 5/16/06	Original: Dateline--Minneapolis, Minnesota: A homeless man posed as a high school student for three weeks without being discovered. School officials finally became suspicious when he refused to go on a field trip without his shopping cart. Fixed: School officials finally became suspicious when he began drinking heavily during the Vietnam discussion in history class.
Eric Behnke Elkton, Maryland Report: 5/09/06	Original: Dateline—Hawaii Golf legend Arnold Palmer married his fiancée over the weekend. He said, “I feel like I’m 25 again.” The 75-year-old went on to say, “I hope I get a hole-in-one tonight.” Fixed: “I hope she’s not disappointed when she finds out all I have is a 4 wood.”
Diane McDonald Cross Lanes, West Virginia Report: 5/02/06	Original: Fun Fact You Should Know Forty percent of American men between the ages of 18 and 35 admit to using the “Joey-From-Friends” pick-up line, “How you doin’?” While the top pick up line for seniors is, “What’s you sleep number?” Fixed: “Do you have acute angina?”
JR Campos Kennewick, Washington (From the KXRX 97 Rock Joke-Off)	Original: Fun Fact You Should Know Ants never sleep. So when you kill them, you are actually doing them a favor. Fixed: I guess they never heard any of Bob Zany’s jokes.
Jared Quilan Kennewick, Washington (From the 4/25 Bob & Tom Show)	Original: Dateline: Long Island, New York Two women were arrested for selling sex out of their hot dog stand. Police became suspicious because the condiment bar contained mustard, relish and K-Y Jelly Fixed: People became upset because they discovered crabs on their wieners.
Tom Griffin Coahoma, Texas Report: 4/18/06	Original: A head-trauma victim was found wandering around in a snow bank, suffering from amnesia. The man said his name was “Tee.” The only other thing he remembered was lying on the ground with a golf ball on his head. Fixed: When he was asked his age, the man kept screaming, “Fore! Fore!”
Ben Scarff Anamosa, Iowa Report: 4/11/06	Original: Dateline--Long Island, New Jersey Two women were arrested for selling sex out of their hot dog stand. Police became suspicious because the condiment bar featured mustard, relish and K-Y Jelly. Fixed: Police became suspicious because they were selling buns, but you had to provide your own wiener.
Daaron Dwyer Longview, TX Report: 4/4/06	Original: Dateline--Athens, Georgia A woman claims she was poked by a hypodermic needle taped to a seat when she sat down at a movie theater. According to the manager, she’s not the first person to be poked in the seat since they started showing “Brokeback Mountain.” Fixed: She told officers that she felt a little prick, but Chick had an air-tight alibi.”
Daryl Norris Clayton , North Carolina Report: 3/28/06	Original: Dateline--Santa Barbara, California A woman saved a choking gas station attendant’s life. She used the Heimlich Maneuver to dislodge a wad of cash he had just received for a tank of gas. Fixed: Unfortunately, the vomit she pumped out cost her $3.85 a gallon.
Elmer Jerald Clark Naples, Florida Report: 3/21/06	Original: A Sad Note Michael Jackson was rushed to the hospital with back pain. The sad part ? He was treated in the pediatric ward. Fixed: The doctor said he couldn’t lift anything over 12 years old.
Darlene Wentling Indianapolis, Indiana Report: 3/14/06	Original: David Copperfield announced that he will impregnate a woman on stage without even touching her. Good luck trying to find a volunteer from the audience! Actually, the magician admits that the real trick is trying to find a musician to hold a drum roll for nine months. Fixed: Imagine everyone’s surprise when the doctor pulled out a rabbit nine months later.
Bill Waller Fresno, California Report: 3/7/06	Original: Dateline--Long Island, New York Two women were arrested after they were caught selling sex out of their hot dog stand. Police became suspicious because the condiment bar contained mustard, relish and K-Y jelly. Fixed: Police became suspicious because the hot dog wasn’t the only thing burning with blisters.
Jessica Baker Springfield, Missouri Report: 2/28/06	Original: Dateline--Portland, Oregon Doctors successfully transplanted a kidney from a 76 year-old woman to her 56 year-old son. Hospital officials said the man is doing fine. In fact, he feels twenty years older. Fixed: But now he nags himself to visit more often.
Joe Pavletich Albuquerque, New Mexico Report: 2/21/06	Original: A Sad Note: An Australian woman lost her husband in a car accident, had him cremated, and then injected his ashes into her breast implants. The Sad Part? He was an ass man. Fixed: “The minister presiding over the ceremony intoned, “Ashes to ashes, bust to bust.”
Steve Thorp Tracy, California Report; 1/14/06	Original: A Sad Note Michael Jackson was rushed to the hospital with flu-like symptoms. The sad part? He was treated in the pediatric ward. Fixed: It turned out to be a minor thing.
Jerry Hogue Oklahoma City, Oklahoma Report: 2/07/06	Lots of entries considered live from The Bahamas! Too many to publish. Congratulations, Jerry!
Bruce Lamm Centerville, Ohio Report: 1/31/06	Original: New Jersey is looking for a new state slogan. I've come up with, What Smells Here, Stays Here! Fixed: The Garden State: Feel Free to Plant Somebody!
Tyler Jenkins St. Charles, Missouri Report: 1/24/06	Original: A brewery is developing a beer targeted towards gay people. Ironically, it will only come in a can. Fixed: The company spokesman said the new slogan would be, "Bottom's up!"
Benjamin Miles Indianapolis, Indiana Report: 1/17/06	Original: A German scientist has developed a synthetic love scent that makes male cockroaches horny. The only drawback comes when you turn on the light: Instead of scuttling away, they stick around and hump your leg. Fixed: Scientists have already found a similar scent for male humans; it's called air.
Adam Taylor Gaylord, Michigan Report: 1/10/06	Original: A Sad Note: Fred Hale Sr., The World's Oldest Man, passed away at the age of 113. He is survived by a bed pan and a package of Depends. Fixed: He is survived by some of the material Zany uses today.
Doug Joseph Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania Report: 01/03/06	Original: Bill Gates says that he gets four million e-mails a day. The weird part? Only five didn't offer to enlarge his penis. Fixed: Mr. Gates said, "If I had a nickel for every e-mail I get…Oh, wait a minute, I do."