Original:  Paris Hilton says that her time in jail has changed her, and that she plans to turn her life around.  Giving credence to the old adage, "The Pen is Mightier than the Whore."
Fixed: She's now going to try driving drunk in reverse.

Original:  A Sad Note
The inventor of the answering machine passed away.  Services are still pending, but if you leave a brief message, somebody will get back to you after the tone.
Fixed: Per his wishes, his epitaph will read, "Your call is no longer important to me."

Original: Former Hollywood Madame Heidi Fleiss has opened a 24 hour Laundromat.  Potential names for the business include "Fluffer and Fold," and "Rinse, Spin and Rinse" (Repeat if necessary)
Fixed: Just like her old business, they are willing to do the small loads by hand.

Original: Dateline-Miami
A 76 year-old man claiming to be a doctor was caught giving women mammograms door-to-door.  For the record, I know the guy's brother, and he is a real doctor.  Otherwise, I wouldn't have let him give me that free testicle exam.  And I would have skipped the back rub, too."
Fixed: I guess he was giving a "Blouse call."

Original:  Diet Guru Richard Simmons says that if you don't want to over indulge during the holidays, dine naked.  Boy, that gives a whole new meaning to All-You-Can-Eat buffet.
Fixed: If he's talking Deal-a-Meal.  You can deal me out, Bay-Bee!

Original:  A new study has found that 95 percent of men admit to masturbating.  The other five percent couldn't handle the question.
Fixed: The other five percent said their seeing-eye dog ate the questionnaire.

Original:   Diet Guru Richard Simmons says that if you don't want to over-indulge during the holidays, dine naked.  Boy, that gives a whole new meaning to "All you can eat buffet."
Fixed:  Of course digging Aunt Ruth's boobs out of the mashed potatoes could prove to be embarrassing

Original: Bill Gates says he gets four million e-mails a day.  The weird part?  Only five of them didn't offer to enlarge his penis.
Fixed: Only five of them don't offer to enlarge his Microsoft.

Original:  I've Got Some Bad News and Some Good News:
The Bad News:  A golfer in Fallbrook, California died after his cart plunged 75 feet over a cliff.  The Good News:  It was his longest drive of the day.
Fixed:  He finished the round six feet under.

Original:  Diet Guru Richard Simmons says that if you don't want to over-indulge during the holidays, dine naked.  Boy, that gives a whole new meaning to All You Can Eat Buffet.
Fixed:  Once his guests learned he had boned the chicken himself, they all seemed to lose their appetites.

Original:  Street magician Cris Angel is reportedly dating Paris Hilton.  So that’s his next trick: making STDs disappear.
Fixed:  If he can get out of this box without a scratch, he’ll be the greatest magician since Houdini.

Original:  A man whose legal residence is a junkyard school bus has been given the ok to run for mayor.  The weird part? The mayor's residence is a dump truck.
Fixed:  He's predicting a landfill victory.

Original:  Enron founder Ken Lay died of a heart attack at the age of 64, proving once and for all that sometimes God doesn't work in mysterious ways. 
Fixed: Ironically, an attempt to bring him back to life using a defibrillator failed due to rolling black outs.

Original:  Fun Fact You Should Know:  Hot dogs can last over 20 years in a landfill.  Unless, Wynona Judd is working that day.
Fixed:  But eventually they need to be packaged and sold.

Original:  A federal judge has delayed the execution of a man on Death Row because he's too fat.  From now on, he'll be known as "The World's Biggest Winner."
Fixed:  In a related story, the most requested meal on Death Row is a bucket of lard and a spoon.

Justin Smith
Inwood, Iowa
Report: 5/08/07

Jim Wallace
Fresno, California
Report: 5/01/07

Original:  New York Yankee Derek Jeter is coming out with his own cologne.  It smells like a mixture of sweat, pine tar and Mariah Carey.  It's called "My Fingers." 
Fixed:  It's overpriced, smells bad and doesn't live up to expectations.

Original:  According to a leading fertility expert, men who sleep on heated waterbeds lower their sperm count by ten percent.  The study also concluded that a man on any bed is hoping to lower his sperm count one way or another, Bay-bee!
Fixed: The study also concluded that any man that still owns a waterbed doesn't need to worry about his sperm count.

Original:  Dateline: Orlando, Florida
An 83 year-old man died and lay undiscovered in his backyard for three days.  His wife explained, "I thought it was that lawn gnome on vacation."
Fixed:  His wife explained, "We've played lawn darts for years and I finally won.

Original: Question of the Week
Is "Menopause, the Musical" a sequel to Ragtime?
Fixed:  And a prequel to The Vagina Monologues?

Original:  Jerry Springer said he's thinking about running for Governor of Ohio.  When Arnold Schwarzenegger was asked his opinion about the talk show host's plans, he replied, "What a joke."
Fixed:  The talk show host is quoted as saying, "It's time that Ohio had a candidate who stands up for traditional values:  Lower taxes, higher minimum wage and midget Nazi transvestite hookers on every street corner."

Original: Dateline: Arkansas
A 38 year-old woman gave birth to her fifteenth child.  The amazing part?  Not one of them was fathered by Bill Clinton. 
Fixed: The amazing part?  The child held on for nine months without falling out.

Original:  Several Chinese women were detained by US Customs Agents after they discovered their underwear was soaked in heroin.  They believe the group was either trying to smuggle drugs into the country or, they had all had sex with Keith Richards in the last 36 hours.
Fixed:  No answer yet on why they weren't charged for the crack.

Original: Lindsay Lohan had her appendix removed at a Los Angeles hospital.  There was nothing wrong with it, it just got tired of drinking.
Fixed:  There was nothing wrong with it, she just wanted to lose ten ounces.

Original:  Warren Buffet was asked why he gave his children a measly one billion dollars each.  "I gave them enough so they can do anything," explained the gajillionaire, "and enough so they can do nothing."  I agree.  If I had only one billion in the bank, I'd still be calling in on Tuesdays.
Fixed:  I agree.  If I had only one billion in the bank, Bob and Tom would be calling ME on Tuesdays…but at a much later time of day!

Original: Lindsay Lohan had her appendix removed at a Los Angeles hospital last week.  There was nothing wrong with it, it just got tired of drinking.
Fixed:  There was nothing wrong, but she thought it made her look fat.

Original:  With the success of Brokeback Mountain, there's talk of a female version starring Rosie O'Donnell tentatively titled, "The Big Valley."
Fixed:  Mel Brooks has signed on to do the sequel, tentatively titled, "Flaming Saddles."

Original:  Dateline-London
A baby was born after being conceived by 21 year- old sperm.  The baby is doing fine, except that it thinks Reagan is president and Michael Jackson is black.
Fixed:  On a sad note, the baby's hair has grown in looking like dried Kleenex.

Original:  A Sad Note:  Fred Hale Sr., The World's Oldest Man, passed away at the age of 113.  He is survived by a bed pan and a package of Depends.
Fixed:  He is survived by some of the material Zany uses today.