Click on a year to see Fix The Joke winners: 2008 2007 2006
David Shanley-Dillman
Ontonagon, Michigan
Report: 12/18/07
Original: Paris Hilton says that her time in jail has changed her, and that she plans to turn her life around. Giving credence to the old adage, "The Pen is Mightier than the Whore."
Fixed: She's now going to try driving drunk in reverse.
Brian Martin
Naples, Florida
Report 12/11/07
Original: A Sad Note The inventor of the answering machine passed away. Services are still pending, but if you leave a brief message, somebody will get back to you after the tone.
Fixed: Per his wishes, his epitaph will read, "Your call is no longer important to me."
Joe Schechinger
Westerville, Ohio
Report: 12/04/07
Original: Former Hollywood Madame Heidi Fleiss has opened a 24 hour Laundromat. Potential names for the business include "Fluffer and Fold," and "Rinse, Spin and Rinse" (Repeat if necessary)
Fixed: Just like her old business, they are willing to do the small loads by hand.
Vanessa Norden
Sylvania, Ohio
Report: 11/27/07
Original: Dateline-Miami A 76 year-old man claiming to be a doctor was caught giving women mammograms door-to-door. For the record, I know the guy's brother, and he is a real doctor. Otherwise, I wouldn't have let him give me that free testicle exam. And I would have skipped the back rub, too."
Fixed: I guess he was giving a "Blouse call."
Rob Ward
Batesville, Indiana
Report 11/20/07
Original: Diet Guru Richard Simmons says that if you don't want to over indulge during the holidays, dine naked. Boy, that gives a whole new meaning to All-You-Can-Eat buffet.
Fixed: If he's talking Deal-a-Meal. You can deal me out, Bay-Bee!
Zach Spicer
White Bluff, Tennessee
Report 11/13/07
Original: A new study has found that 95 percent of men admit to masturbating. The other five percent couldn't handle the question.
Fixed: The other five percent said their seeing-eye dog ate the questionnaire.
Jerrad Daniels
Goddard, Kansas
Report 11/06/08
Original: Dateline: New Rockford, North Dakota A high school student picked up his prom date on a John Deer Tractor. Coincidentally, the mortified girl sent him a Dear John letter the next day.
Fixed: When asked by the media why he did it, the boy replied, "Did you see her ass?"
Philip Filante
Eureka, Illinois
Report: 10/30/07
Original: Diet Guru Richard Simmons says that if you don't want to over-indulge during the holidays, dine naked. Boy, that gives a whole new meaning to "All you can eat buffet."
Fixed: Of course digging Aunt Ruth's boobs out of the mashed potatoes could prove to be embarrassing
Kevin Keating
Baltimore, Ohio
Report: 10/23/07
Original: Paris Hilton says that her time in jail has changed her, and that she plans to turn her life around. Her statement gives credence to the old adage, "The pen is mightier than the whore."
Fixed: When asked to explain, Ms. Hilton just winked, nodded and pointed to her "Eat Salmon, The Other Pink Meat T-shirt."
Bill Furr
Rio Rancho, New Mexico
Report 10/16/07
Original: A pilot in Georgia is offering couples that want to join the Mile High Club a package deal. For just $299.99, they get a bottle of champagne and an opportunity to do it at 5,280 feet. He also has a package for single guys: For $29.95 he gets a can of beer, a sock and the top bunk.
Fixed: He also has package deal for married guys: for $39.95, you get a six-pack and a parachute with a hole in it.
Russell Thompson
Greenwood, Arkansas
Report: 10/09/07
Original: Bill Gates says he gets four million e-mails a day. The weird part? Only five of them didn't offer to enlarge his penis.
Fixed: Only five of them don't offer to enlarge his Microsoft.
Jerry Mace
Noblesville, Indiana
Report 10/02/07
Original: I've Got Some Bad News and Some Good News: The Bad News: A golfer in Fallbrook, California died after his cart plunged 75 feet over a cliff. The Good News: It was his longest drive of the day.
Fixed: He finished the round six feet under.
Steve Thornton
Battle Creek, Michigan
Report 09/25/07
Original: Diet Guru Richard Simmons says that if you don't want to over-indulge during the holidays, dine naked. Boy, that gives a whole new meaning to All You Can Eat Buffet.
Fixed: Once his guests learned he had boned the chicken himself, they all seemed to lose their appetites.
Hilton Harris
Sandy, Utah
Report: 09/17/07
Original: Street magician Cris Angel is reportedly dating Paris Hilton. So that's his next trick: making STDs disappear.
Fixed: If he can get out of this box without a scratch, he'll be the greatest magician since Houdini.
Chad Lambert
Hamilton, Ohio
Report 09/11/07
Original: A man whose legal residence is a junkyard school bus has been given the ok to run for mayor. The weird part? The mayor's residence is a dump truck.
Fixed: He's predicting a landfill victory.
Matt Gomes
Coalinga, California
Report 09/04/07
Original: Enron founder Ken Lay died of a heart attack at the age of 64, proving once and for all that sometimes God doesn't work in mysterious ways.
Fixed: Ironically, an attempt to bring him back to life using a defibrillator failed due to rolling black outs.
Tim Harrison
Avon, Indiana
Report 08/28/07
Original: Fun Fact You Should Know: Hot dogs can last over 20 years in a landfill. Unless, Wynona Judd is working that day.
Fixed: But eventually they need to be packaged and sold.
Lee Cantrell
Nashville, Tennessee
Report 08/22/07
Original: A federal judge has delayed the execution of a man on Death Row because he's too fat. From now on, he'll be known as "The World's Biggest Winner."
Fixed: In a related story, the most requested meal on Death Row is a bucket of lard and a spoon.
Aaron Hetchler
Flint, Michigan
Report: 8/14/07
Original: Dateline--Oakland, California A carpenter was arrested after the person who hired him came home early and found him building bookcases in the nude. Yikes. I've always worried hitting my thumb with a hammer.
Fixed: The carpenter defended him self by claiming that it was the easiest way to get the distance between bookshelves correct.
Shery Armstrong
Billings, Montana
Report: 8/07/07
Original: A man from Finland won the mobile phone throwing championship with a distance of 292 feet. He was awarded the Gold Medal and a congratulatory call from past winner Naomi Campbell.
Fixed: He was awarded the Gold Medal but had to pawn it to pay the roaming charges.
Tim Lillesand
Sheboygan, Wisconsin
Report: 7/31/07
Original: A Sad Note An Australian woman who lost her husband in a deadly car accident had him cremated and injected his ashes into her breast implants. The Sad Part? He was an ass man.
Fixed: The Sad Part? Her new boyfriend can't keep his hands off her ex.
Tom Holquist
Powell, Ohio
Report: 7/24/07
Original: A new study has found that women who have high estrogen levels are at high risk for stroke. The study also suggests that women with lower levels of estrogen want to work on your engine and watch the game with you.
Fixed: The study also suggests that the husbands of the women with lower levels of estrogen have a higher need to stroke!
Scott Henderson
Mishawaka, Indiana
Report: 7/10/07
Original: Rumors persist that Nicole Ritchie is pregnant, after she was spotted at a posh LA restaurant, not eating for two.
Fixed: Turns out she's not really pregnant, she simply swallowed the olive in her martini.
Tim Tinnin Holts
Summit, Missouri
Report: 7/03/07
Original: Fun Fact You Should Know The longest recorded flight of a chicken is 13 seconds. Of course, you have to kick it just right.
Fixed: In a related story, Rosie O'Donnell claims the same time for eating a chicken.
Alex Schoop
Bloomington, Illinois
Report: 6/26/07
Original: Seinfeld actor Michael Richards had a meltdown while doing stand-up at the Laugh Factory, yelling racial slurs at audience members. He claims he was just doing research for his new sitcom, "The New Adventures of Old Kramer."
Fixed: He claims he was doing research for his new sitcom, "The Amazing Racist."
Jason Barrett
Hardin, Kentucky
Report: 6/19/07
Original: Thirty-nine percent of horror fans say they want to see Paris Hilton as a horror victim. The other 61 percent are content with her as a whore, in a movie.
Fixed: The other 61 percent realize that any movie with Paris Hilton in it is a horror and that they are victims.
Mike Brenner
Beavercreek, Ohio
Report: 6/12/07
Original: Dateline--Oakland, California A carpenter was arrested after the person who hired him came home early and found the guy building bookcases in the nude. Yikes. And I've always been worried about hitting my thumb with a hammer.
Fixed: In his defense the man claimed he was almost finished buffing his wood before applying the stain.
Chris Long
Louisville, Kentucky
Report: 6/05/07
Original: It's National Newspaper Week, and to celebrate, my wife pushed me out of the car towards the neighbor's driveway, and missed.
Fixed: To celebrate, I inserted a wet mushy wadded up one-dollar bill into a well-placed, dry, "Tip Your Carrier" envelope and threw it on the newspaper boy's lawn.
Lewis Shilane
Joplin, Missouri
Report: 5/29/07
Original: Dateline: Cheshire, Oregon A woman is in jail for shooting her husband after he shot their pet chicken. When asked why he shot the chicken he replied, "Because she wouldn't let me choke it anymore."
Fixed: "So the bullet would get to the other side."
Phillip Bozich
St. Louis, Missouri
Report: 5/22/07
Original: Students at the University of Illinois are paying a dollar per person to pop their head through a sculpture of a vagina and have their picture taken. Before the snapshot, instead of saying "Cheese," the photographer tells you to say, "Mommy, I'm back!"
Fixed: A similar fund-raising effort has been cancelled at Ball State.
Justin Smith
Inwood, Iowa
Report: 5/08/07
Original: After tense competition, the winner of The National Spelling Bee was Sai Gunturi. The winning word, "Homogeekyness."
Fixed: The winning word, Sai Gunturi.
Jim Wallace
Fresno, California
Report: 5/01/07
Original: Dateline – Virginia: A high school running team is publishing a calendar featuring nude middle aged men in an effort to raise money for a new track. So far, the only thing it has raised is a little boy who pointed to Mr. July and said, "That's the man, officer."
Fixed: Sales are slow and they're thinking of changing the name of the calendar from "Old Man Crack For A New Running Track."
David Welker
Fort Riley, Kansas
Report 04/24/07
Original: Dateline-Louisiana The State Supreme Court removed a district judge for being a drunk on the bench. Officials became suspicious because every time he hit his gavel and said, "Order in the court!" a waitress would bring him a double vodka-tonic.
Fixed: Officials became suspicious because he couldn't stop laughing whenever someone said "Penal Code."
Paul Willis
Ramsey, Illinois
Report 04/17/07
Original: The International Olympic committee has announced that transsexuals may compete in the next Olympic Games. Haven't the East Germans been doing this for years?
Fixed: Mass confusion has already broken out over signing up for the broad jumping competition.
Joe Vollmar
Central Point, Oregon
Report 04/10/07
Original: New York Yankee Derek Jeter is coming out with his own cologne. It smells like a mixture of sweat, pine tar and Mariah Carey. It's called "My Fingers."
Fixed: It's overpriced, smells bad and doesn't live up to expectations.
Larry Schultz
Ord, Nebraska
Report 04/03/07
Original: A Norwegian woman is using her cleavage to incubate a bird egg. Ironically, I love to put my bird in between a woman's breasts.
Fixed: Ironically, the woman is expected to hatch a booby.
Jennifer Niedosik
South Bend, Indiana
Report 03/27/07
Original: According to a leading fertility expert, men who sleep on heated waterbeds lower their sperm count by ten percent. The study also concluded that a man on any bed is hoping to lower his sperm count one way or another, Bay-bee!
Fixed: The study also concluded that any man that still owns a waterbed doesn't need to worry about his sperm count.
Chris Long
Louisville, Kentucky
Report 03/20/07
Original: Dateline: Orlando, Florida An 83 year-old man died and lay undiscovered in his backyard for three days. His wife explained, "I thought it was that lawn gnome on vacation."
Fixed: His wife explained, "We've played lawn darts for years and I finally won.
Jessica Lang
Cambridge, Iowa
Report 03/13/07
Original: Question of the Week Is "Menopause, the Musical" a sequel to Ragtime?
Fixed: And a prequel to The Vagina Monologues?
Erik Bradstreet
Spokane, Washington
Report 03/06/07
Original: Jerry Springer said he's thinking about running for Governor of Ohio. When Arnold Schwarzenegger was asked his opinion about the talk show host's plans, he replied, "What a joke."
Fixed: The talk show host is quoted as saying, "It's time that Ohio had a candidate who stands up for traditional values: Lower taxes, higher minimum wage and midget Nazi transvestite hookers on every street corner."
Brendon Walker
Newberry, Michigan
Report 02/27/07
Original: Dateline: Arkansas A 38 year-old woman gave birth to her fifteenth child. The amazing part? Not one of them was fathered by Bill Clinton.
Fixed: The amazing part? The child held on for nine months without falling out.
Zakary Wyatt
Lubbock, Texas
Report 02/13/07
Original: Several Chinese women were detained by US Customs Agents after they discovered their underwear was soaked in heroin. They believe the group was either trying to smuggle drugs into the country or, they had all had sex with Keith Richards in the last 36 hours.
Fixed: No answer yet on why they weren't charged for the crack.
Dwayne Myers
Wilmington, Ohio
Report 02/06/07
Original: Lindsay Lohan had her appendix removed at a Los Angeles hospital. There was nothing wrong with it, it just got tired of drinking.
Fixed: There was nothing wrong with it, she just wanted to lose ten ounces.
Steve Slick
Fairland, Indiana
Report 01/30/07
Original: Warren Buffet was asked why he gave his children a measly one billion dollars each. "I gave them enough so they can do anything," explained the gajillionaire, "and enough so they can do nothing." I agree. If I had only one billion in the bank, I'd still be calling in on Tuesdays.
Fixed: I agree. If I had only one billion in the bank, Bob and Tom would be calling ME on Tuesdays... but at a much later time of day!
John Woolsey
Bakersfield, California
Report 01/23/07
Original: Lindsay Lohan had her appendix removed at a Los Angeles hospital last week. There was nothing wrong with it, it just got tired of drinking.
Fixed: There was nothing wrong, but she thought it made her look fat.
Robby Spencer
Bluff City, Tennessee
Report 01/16/07
Original: With the success of Brokeback Mountain, there's talk of a female version starring Rosie O'Donnell tentatively titled, "The Big Valley."
Fixed: Mel Brooks has signed on to do the sequel, tentatively titled, "Flaming Saddles."
Bruce Corner
Indianapolis, Indiana
Report 01/09/07
Original: Dateline-London A baby was born after being conceived by 21 year- old sperm. The baby is doing fine, except that it thinks Reagan is president and Michael Jackson is black.
Fixed: On a sad note, the baby's hair has grown in looking like dried Kleenex.
Adam Taylor
Gaylord, Michigan
Report: 1/10/06
Original: A Sad Note: Fred Hale Sr., The World's Oldest Man, passed away at the age of 113. He is survived by a bed pan and a package of Depends.
Fixed: He is survived by some of the material Zany uses today.

Bob Zany's Goodwill Tour Bob Zany's
Goodwill Tour

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Off The Hook
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State Bar & Grill
Jerseyville, IL
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Honeywell Center
Wabash, IN
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Logansport, IN
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Decatur, IL
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Suquamish, WA
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