Click on a year to see Fix The Joke winners: 2008 2007 2006
Paul Willis
Ramsey, Illinois
Report: 09/30/08
Original: Dateline--Providence, Rhode Island – A nursing home pet named Oscar the Cat can accurately predict a patient's imminent death by cuddling up next to them moments before they pass away. Staffers say this allows the patient to die with comfort and dignity, unlike the other nursing home pet, Humps the Dog.
Fixed: Staffers say, "We also get to charge them for a CAT scan."
Mike Beane
Kernersville, North Carolina
Report: 09/26/08
Original: An 88 year-old man received his Eagle Scout award, making him the oldest person ever to do so. He recalled his first merit badge: Discovering Fire.
Fixed: He recalled his first merit badge: Helping John McCain Cross the Street.
Kurt McLaughlin
Clive, Iowa
Report: 09/16/08
Original: I've Got Some Good News and Some Really Good News

The Good News: Taking Viagra may decrease the effects of jet leg when taken in flight.

The Really Good News: It also hugely increases your chances of joining the Mile High Club.
Fixed: The Better News: I've figured out how the movie "Snakes on a Plane" was thought up.
Doug Engelhart
Ostrander, Ohio
Report: 09/09/08
Original: Dateline--New Rockford, North Dakota – A high school senior picked up his prom date on a John Deere Tractor. Coincidentally, the mortified girl sent him a Dear John letter.
Fixed: She was even more shocked when he showed her where he kept his fertilizer.
Jennifer Kater
Sullivan, Illinois
Report: 09/02/08
Original: Dateline--Kentucky – A fire destroyed a Jim Beam liquor factory, causing over a millons gallons of bourbon to spill into a river. Boy, poor Liza Minnelli is having a bad week.
Fixed: Every church-going congregation was heard singing, "Shall We Gather at The River?" Bay-Bee!
Mike Lapcheske
Urbandale, Iowa
Report: 08/26/08
Original: Fun Fact You Should Know – According to Discover Magazine, ancient Egyptians used chopped lettuce to cover bald spots. Hey, who needs Rogaine when you can just go to a salad bar?
Fixed: Who needs Rogaine when you can use Romaine?
Paul Adams
Cincinnati, Ohio
Report: 08/19/08
Original: Dateline--New Hyde Park, New York Doctors have performed a successful operation to stop a three year-old girl from laughing uncontrollably. Her parents could have saved a lot of money if The Zany Report had aired in new Hyde Park, New York.
Fixed: Her parents could have saved a lot of money if Last Comic Standing aired on The Cartoon Network.
Dan Cushing
Bloomington, Indiana
Report: 08/12/08
Original: Paris Hilton says that jail time has changed her, and I think that The Larry King interview is proof of that. It was the first time in her life that she spent an entire hour in front of a camera with a man without taking her clothes off or having sex.
Fixed: Larry King, on the other hand is changed by a disgruntled assistant.
John R. Wilson
Fruit Heights, Utah
Report: 08/05/08
Original: Dateline--Sacramento, California One of the nation's largest Gay and Lesbian Pride Parades was held over the weekend. Hundreds of people came out to cheer floats inching their way down K and Y streets.
Fixed: Ironically, hundreds of bi-sexuals chose to walk down the middle of the road.
Ken Lemke
Oregon, Ohio
Report: 7/29/08
Original: Dateline-Texas A 29-year-old death row inmate killed himself in his cell, just before he was scheduled to be executed. He left the message, "I didn't do it" scrawled in his own blood. The official cause of death was irony.
Fixed: The official cause of death was finger-painting.
Mike Lefton
St. Louis, Missouri
Report: 07/22/08
Original: A woman who had a pencil lodged in her head for 55 years finally had it removed. She said she got tired of her boss telling her to get the lead out.
Fixed: The only side effect? The constant urge to go #2.
Judy Rohwedder
St. Louis, Missouri
Report: 07/08/08
Original: A new study found that babies who were breast-fed climb the social ladder more quickly than those who were not. Bottle-feeding advocates denounce the study and say that bottle-fed babies climb faster. Boy, this crazy argument gives a whole new meaning to the phrase, "Tit for tat."
Fixed: It is much easier to climb the social ladder when you aren't attached to your mother's breasts.
Kathy Banta
Sioux City, Iowa
Report: 07/01/08
Original: I've Got Some Good News and Some Better News: The Good News: Viagra may help decrease the effects of jet lag when taken in flight. The Better News: Hugely increasing your chances of joining The Mile High Club.
Fixed: The Better News: In case of a water landing, you can amuse the other survivors with your "Down Periscope" bit.
Bob Smith
Jamestown, Ohio
Report: 06/24/08
Original: David Blaine broke the world record for holding his breath after 17 minutes and 4 seconds without oxygen. Turns out it wasn't a trick, he just misplaced his inhaler.
Fixed: He didn't intend to break the record, but he had also just set the world record for cabbage-eating and accidentally locked himself in the bathroom.
Blake Hoffman
Madison, Wisconsin
Report: 06/17/08
Original: Dateline--Providence, Rhode Island Witnesses swear that Oscar the Cat, a resident pet at a nursing home, can accurately predict someone's imminent death by cuddling up beside the patient moments before they pass away. Staffers say that Oscar's presence allows people to die in comfort and with dignity. Unlike the other nursing home pet, Humps the Dog.
Fixed: Unlike the other nursing home pet, Victor the Vulture.
Mike Cornell
Morley, Michigan
Report: 06/10/08
Original: I've Got Some Good News and Some Better News:: The Good News: Viagra may help decrease the effects of jet lag when taken during a flight. The Better News: Hugely increasing your chances of joining The Mile High Club.
Fixed: I've Got Some Good News and Some Bad News: The Good News: Viagra may help decrease the effects of jet lag when taken during a flight. The Bad News: Jets now have to circle for four hours until all passengers are able to fasten their seat belts.
Brian Larsen
Janesville, Minnesota
Report: 06/04/08
Original: A new study has found that smoking pot obstructs the flow of air to the lungs five times more than regular tobacco. Marijuana advocates denounce the study and say, "Cough, Cough, Cough."
Fixed: Marijuana advocates said, "So what? It's not like we are going to get up and do anything."
Gary Hale
Panama City, Florida
Report: 05/27/08
Original: Dateline--Kissimmee, Florida Local police are disguising themselves like hobos in an effort to catch drivers who run red lights. Homeless advocates are outraged, convinced that this practice will give hobos a bad name.
Fixed: Ironically, the reason people run red lights is to get away from hobos.
Stacey Creasy
Colchester, Illinois
Report: 06/13/08
Original: I've Got Some Bad News and Some Good News: Men who smoke pot affect their sperm count and the speed at which it travels. The Good News: I guess Bill Clinton really didn't inhale.
Fixed: The Good News: Now we have a great excuse to smoke all the pot we want; It's birth control, I'm only thinking of you, Bay-Bee!
Sandra Beal
Hedrick, Iowa
Report: 05/13/08
Original: Dateline--Grand Forks, North Dakota A woman who was wanted on a drug-related warrant was nabbed after being found hiding in a clothes dryer. The arresting officer said that this was actually a very common hiding place. Great news for me, because I love the warm, fuzzy feeling of a crack- addict right out of a dryer.
Fixed: Police suspect she may also be part of a drug-related money laundering operation.
Steve Broderson
Versailles, Kentucky
Report: 05/06/08
Original: A new study has found that 31 percent of registered Democrats are annoyed when the toilet seat is left up versus just 19 percent of Republicans. It also found a whopping 83 percent of Independents don't care, since they go where they want to, Bay-bee!
Fixed: The thing both parties hate most, though, is when Ralph Nader walks in just as they're about to finish.
Andy Gillespie
Lansing, Michigan
Report: 04/29/08
Original: Dateline--Virginia Children at a day-care center were accidentally squirted with an herbicide from a train that was spraying weeds. None of the children suffered injury, but all of their pot was ruined.
Fixed: A spokesperson from the railroad said, "Who would have thought that a group of children would be in a circle playing "Duck, Duck, Hobo?"
Jennifer Lee
Indianapolis, Indiana
Report: 04/22/08
Original: Dateline--Columbia, South Carolina Police are investigating the deaths of a naked couple who fell off a building after leaving their clothes on the roof. Investigators say that there is no sign of foul or fore play.
Fixed: In a related story, the Darwin Award Society has posthumously awarded them the Medal of Irony for coming and going at the same time.
Randy O'Donnell
Gladstone, Michigan
Report: 04/15/08
Original: Question of The Week Can a kid with a metal plate in his head go to a magnet school?
Fixed: Only if he's bipolar and very attractive.
Dan Eagle
Palm Beach Gardens, Florida
Report: 04/08/08
Original: An 88 year-old Florida man was awarded the prestigious Eagle Scout Badge, making him the oldest person ever to receive the honor. During the ceremony, he recalled the first merit badge he earned for discovering fire.
Fixed: His wife was unable to attend the ceremony as she had just driven through the front door of the dry cleaners next door.
Danny Majors
Brazil, Indiana
Report: 04/01/08
Original: I've Got Some Bad News and Some Good News: The Bad News: A golfer in Fallbrook, California died after his cart plunged 75 feet over a cliff. The Good News: It was his longest drive of the day.
Fixed: His balls were found in the rough... and they were still in bounds, Bay-bee!
Chris Byler
Brinkhaven, Ohio
Report 03/25/08
Original: Dateline--Abington, Virginia Children at a day-care center were accidentally sprayed with an herbicide from a train that was spraying weeds. None of the children suffered injury, but all their pot was ruined.
Fixed: None of the children suffered injury, but if this continues, children everywhere will stop growing like weeds.
Brian Smith
Caseyville, Illinois
Report: 03/18/08
Original: Americans spend nine million hours a day trying to locate lost items. The study went on to say... where the hell did I put it? It's around here somewhere... hang on... hang on...
Fixed: The study went on to say, the majority of hours spent went to finding the punch lines to Bob Zany's jokes.
S. Michael Simms
Greenwood, Indiana
Report: 03/11/08
Original: A federal judge has delayed the execution of a man on death row because he's `too fat. From now on, he'll be referred to as "The World's Biggest Winner."
Fixed: According to an amazed prison staff, "I guess all those hacksaw-shaped cakes his wife kept sending him really did the trick."
Mark Lyman
Cedar Falls, Iowa
Report: 3/04/08
Original: Dateline--Athens, Georgia An employee at a tire dealership was charged with solicitation of a prostitute after offering woman new tires in exchange for sex. That gives a whole new meaning to the phrase, "Let's burn some rubber."
Fixed: This is just one way to turn a bad day into Goodyear.
Tammy Ward
Madison, West Virginia
Report 02/26/08
Original: Bill and Melinda Gates are expecting their third child in October. The couple announced that although they cannot commit to a release date, it's either going to be November or December, January at the very latest.
Fixed: But they can't promise that it will be compatible with their earlier children. s
Stuart Bailey
Tecumseh, Kansas
Report: 02/06/08
Original: Dateline--New Rockford, North Dakota A high school senior picked up his prom date on a John Deer Tractor. Coincidentally, the next day she sent him a "Dear John" letter.
Fixed: He claimed that she had told him she wanted to get plowed that night.
Bryan Schiava
South Bend, Indiana
Report 01/29/08
Original: I've Got Some Good News and Some Better News: The Good News: Viagra may help decrease the effects of jet lag. The Better News: and dramatically increase your chances of joining The Mile High Club.
Fixed: The Better News: In an emergency, male passengers can be used as landing gear.
Joseph P. Ryan
Sarasota, Florida
Report 02/19/08
Original: Dateline--Cheshire, Oregon A woman is in jail for shooting her husband after he shot the pet chicken. When asked why he shot the chicken, the husband replied, "Because she wouldn't let me choke it anymore."
Fixed: When asked why he shot the chicken he said, "At least now she has one stiff pecker on her hand."
Chris Burney
Walcott, Iowa
Report 02/12/08
Original: Dateline--Little Chute, Wisconsin A 400 pound sculptor carved a 700 pound block of cheese into a replica of Mt. Rushmore. The Guinness Book of World Records was not terribly impressed, as it is not that uncommon for a 400 pound man to cut that much cheese.
Fixed: Not surprisingly, he didn't need any tools.
Larry Harmes
Findlay, Ohio
Report: 01/22/08
Original: Dateline--Little Chute, Wisconsin A 400 pound sculptor carved a 700 pound block of cheese into a replica of Mt. Rushmore. Experts are not terribly impressed because it is not uncommon for a 400 pound man to cut that much cheese.
Fixed: The experts are a little bit concerned, because what goes in must come out, and that, too should be a world record.
Ray Wagner
Raleigh, North Carolina
Report: 01/15/08
Original: Tom Cruise said that he could watch his new baby for hours on end, to the point that he is mesmerized when she has gas. He said the same thing about Penelope Cruz when she ate a big bean burrito.
Fixed: I know what he means. At these prices, I can say the same thing about my car.
Todd Paterson
Salt Lake City, Utah
Report 01/08/08
Original: Dateline--Hollywood Boulevard A popular tourist attraction, famous for its celebrity impersonators has become a crime scene. Police are looking for a Chewbacca who sexually assaulted a Marilyn Monroe. The only witness was a Charlie Chaplin and he's not saying anything.
Fixed: Police have The Hunchback of Notre Dame in custody. His lawyer is claiming witnesses were asked a loaded question during the police line-up, "Do any of these guys ring a bell?"
2014 Dates
and Venues

Sept. 25-26
Jr.'s Last Laugh
Erie, PA
click here
Sept. 27
Corporate show
Decatur, IN
Oct. 1-5
The Improv at Harvey's
Lake Tahoe, NV
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Oct. 6-12
The Laugh Factory
@ The Tropicana
Las Vegas, NV
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Oct. 16
Shanty Creek Resort
Bellaire, MI
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Oct. 18
Arts United Center
The Bob & Tom Tour
Fort Wayne, IN
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Oct. 24
Peoria Civic Center
The Bob & Tom Tour
Peoria, IL
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Nov. 1
Belterra Casino
The Bob & Tom Tour
Florence, IN
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Nov. 6-8
Laughing Gas
Winston-Salem, NC
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Nov. 12
MDA Fundraiser
Kansas City, KS
Nov. 14
Hoyt Sherman
The Bob & Tom Tour
Des Moines, IA
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Nov. 15
Paramount Theatre
The Bob & Tom Tour
Cedar Rapids, IA
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Nov. 20-22
Laugh House
Kokomo, IN
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Dec. 1-7
Riviera Comedy Club
Las Vegas, NV
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Dec. 16
Tulalip Casino - Canoe Cabaret
Tulalip, WA
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Dec. 26-28
Off The Hook Comedy Club
Fort Myers, FL
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For information: 818-342-9458
Email: abcmess57@gmail.com

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